Thursday, September 18, 2008

#24 I Hate the El

I know all you esteemed readers have been lost without my weekly bouts of hatred, but I had a busy summer to attend to.  I had hours of sleep to catch up on, as my three-hour naps during the school year were simply not cutting it.  I also explored my adventurous side, roughing it Sarah Palin style (my icon), in the Alaskan Wilderness.  I believe that this topic is a great place to segue into the fall season, as I recently moved to the city, and the El has become my daily enemy.

At first it seems ideal, a $2 train ride wherever you want to go in Chicago, however those two bucks come at a much higher price.  A few days ago, I was lucky enough to take the red line home after an strenuous day at the office.  After sitting at a desk all day reading People Magazine and stuffing my face with leftover CPK, all I wanted was a nice quiet train ride home. Unfortunately, downtown the red line becomes a subway, aka an underground mental institution.  To my left, an overweight black woman belting out a hymn about the lord her savior.  To my right, a white man with one tooth (silver-- classy), mumbling about the government tracking him down.  Finally, my train came and I breathed a sigh of relief, at least I was safe from being pushed onto the tracks by one of these unstable public transportationites.

The relief came too soon, as there was no where for me to sit and I was forced to cling to the rail for my life as the train rattled back and forth.  I bumped into Creeper #1, an overly smiley Mexican man who smells like rancid lunchmeat.  Luckily, a seat opened up and I made a beeline for it.  Two teenage boys were  listening to rap music and singing along not so quietly, a heinous girl giggled while her pimply faced boyfriend sucked on her neck, and I got a comment or two about the weather from Creeper #2.  I am ready to depart the train early when I remember my dad telling me why he stopped taking the El.  According to Daddy Diamonds, "some gang bangers walked through his train car and demanded money."  Knowing D.D., these "gang bangers"were young kids selling candy for their underprivileged baseball team, but when it comes to paranoia, I know I am not one to judge.  

At last, the train came to a halt, and I ran down the steps two by two, feeling safe when the sunlight finally hit my face.  While this may seem like a dramatic series of events, it really is just a day in the life of a charming young girl trying to navigate the railroad  as best she can. Unfortunately she (me of course), encounters such characters every day and until D.D. agrees to get her a personal driver, Toothless Tommy, Smelly Santiago and Singing Shaniqua, here I come.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

#23 I Hate Man Tears

You may think that this is not exactly fair for me to say, as I let my tears flow freely on a constant basis.  However, when the man tears begin a rollin', who can we turn to, to stand strong in this world?  Tears usually flow in emotional situations, as an expression of sadness or anger. While crying is often looked down upon, especially by men, there are some locations where blubbering is socially acceptable.  In funeral parlors, for instance, people can often be seen clutching kleenex and quietly weeping.  I've also learned that for the male sex, sporting events can be quite the tear jerkers.  Take Evanston High School's loss in the State Semi-Finals this past weekend.  Tattooed, hardcore young athletes were wetting the court with their tears, and no one batted an eye.  And there are some movies, the end of Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey, when Shadow runs through the yard, for example, where it is difficult to not cry at least a little (If you won't give me that one, I think we can all at least agree on Remember the Titans).

For girls, it's different.  Besides the situations already mentioned, there are loads more which include but are not limited to: the obvious break-up, fighting with a friend or family member, fearful situations, losing something important, getting a bad grade (tears are a perfectly natural way of raising any test score or paper), feeling homesick, as well as crying out of pure happiness, during a wedding ceremony, or even a sappy commercial.  Then, there are my own situations for crying, which may seem bizarre to some.  While I could theoretically list some of these, I don't feel I have the time.  Plus, most of these are public events, so you probably already have enough examples in your head.

But back onto the topic of man tears, they downright frighten me.  Luckily, seeing a dude give into the waterworks is a rare occasion, and I would like it to stay that way.  Some girls may think it's sweet when their boyfriend breaks down, showing feelings and emotion.  Gross.  I'd rather see my boyfriend repeatedly blow chunks.  I remember when I made a friend cry on my basketball court one summer, after telling him that he reminded me of Kyle from Real World Chicago.  I'm pretty sure our friendship ended right around then.  Sadly, that was not the only time I saw him shedding the big wet ones.  Maybe that's biased of me to say.  Please don't tell me I'm being unfair though, or else I may cry.  


Tuesday, March 11, 2008

#22 I Hate P.D.A.

Does anyone actually like it?  And, if people are constantly complaining and saying things like, "get a room!" then who is left to actually partake in it?  I've never heard a person say that they enjoy watching others engage in public displays of affection, but I have seen many a couple huddled up in the corner of a bar, with their tongues down each others throats, so the secret is out, many do like it, and p.d.a. is here to stay.  Seriously, gag me.  And I wouldn't say I am being a hypocrite here, and that when drinking, peoples' senses of judgement are off.  I stand by the fact that I have never to my knowledge taken part in such behavior, and I have no intention to.

I don't really even see the rationalization for hand holding, as it usually just makes others around you feel nauseous.  Okay, we see you two are involved in a romantic relationship, but aren't your hands sweaty and uncomfortable?  Really, I just do not see the point, and whenever I see two people holding hands in public, I just want to karate chop them right down the middle.

When you feel the need to start up with the touchy-feely interactions, it's simply time to leave. I'll even hail you a cab if you ask, as I'd rather spend my evening directing couples toward the exit, than watching them take up space in the already packed to capacity bar, swapping spit all night.  Is it that difficult to leave?  Or do these people maybe just not have anywhere to go because they still live with their parents?  Or are they such social outcasts that they feel some sort of need to prove themselves by saying, "Hey, Chicago, watch me get some ass tonight!" Usually, people who are drunk enough to engage in p.d.a. in a bar, the guy/girl chosen ranges from a certified gargoyle to, at best, an average Joe/Jill.  I guess that does add some entertainment value to passersby.  

The worst is when it's people that are in an actual relationship of some sort.  I mean why did they even decide to leave home, where they have a nice big couch and a bedroom 10 feet away? It's great to see couples come out and have a good time, but usually this just does not seem to be the case.  You see them constantly, sharing one bar stool with their hands all over each other, or up against the wall by the bathroom, and that's never fun for anyone.  So, I guess I'll make some other suggestions for those out there that can't seem to make it home:
1)Bathroom stall
2)Backseat of taxi
3)Cardboard box in the alley
4)Dumpster 
5)The El

As outlandish as some of these propositions may seem, I happen to know of occurrences in most of these locations, and I find them equally amusing.  I'm open to any new suggestions, as I think it is important for the issue of p.d.a. to be addressed full-on, and people need to be aware that there are far more options for themselves than fully abstaining from such activity.  Sounds sort of like a high school sex ed lecture...

Friday, March 7, 2008

#21 I Hate Michael Vick

I guess this should not come as a surprise to anyone, as he truly is a deplorable character, but I feel that I must express the extent of hatred, so I can move on from constantly dwelling on the deeds of this scum bag.  I should probably explain that my dream job would be something along the lines of president of the ASPCA.  Rob a bank, spend a couple years in the slammer; kick your black lab and it's death row.  There is simply no excuse for this type of behavior, and I will not stand for it.  

All right, so he's quarterback of the Falcons, and was at one time the highest paid player in the NFL.  That just makes it even more pathetic that he spends his spare time watching pitbulls maul each other and then electrocuting and hanging them when they do not perform to his first-class standards.  So this means he's not fighting these dogs as a gangster hoodrat trying to make some extra cash on the side, but he actually takes personal pleasure in seeing innocent animals forced to tear each other apart.  What a fun pastime, Mikey, you sure know how to have a good time.  While some millionaires spend their money on lavish vacations, summer homes, and serious bling, others find it in the kindness of their hearts to donate to charities, helping their fellow countrymen, or even an occasional animal shelter.  On the other hand, we have Big Mike, spending his money to further our nation's animal and drug abuse problems. 

Besides being president of the ASPCA, I wish I could be made chief justice of the Supreme Court, for the sole reason of handling Vick's case.  If I had this opportunity, I would use my powers to bestow upon Vick and his posse the exact treatment they granted to their dogs.  I guess I would give them a little leeway in allowing each person to choose his own execution. These death warrants would include hanging, electrocution, beating, quartering, beheading, stabbing; pretty much, which ever was their favorite to perform on the dog, he shall be bestowed, and then dumped in a ditch.

Am I being too harsh here in my wishful sentencing?  I believe not.  I don't think there are many crimes more pitiful and deranged than animal abuse crimes.  A person who would hurt an innocent animal is truly cracked.  Coming home and finding your wife in bed with another man, and stabbing them both in the heat of the moment is one thing, as is a true sociopath who belongs in a mental institution, murdering a homeless man on the street.  I am by no means saying that these are admissible acts, but for a truly sane NFL quarterback to spend his days off abusing innocent animals is beyond my realm of understanding.  Lucky for him I am a harmless college girl who broods over his actions alone in the comfort of my own home, with no intent of going through law school, or really even getting off the couch for that matter.

Thursday, March 6, 2008

#20 I Hate Victoria's Secret Pink

Seriously, what is the deal with this place? Someone had the genius idea to create a pair of sweatpants with the word pink stamped on the ass, and teeny bopping girls and sorority sisters became so enthralled that now, Victoria's Secret Pink is it's own store.  Half-witted girls all over the country have truly been "tickled pink" by this wondrous new creation.  I guess I can understand my 13 year old cousin Maddie being entranced by the polka dotted tank tops and brightly colored underwear, but why are college coeds throughout the nation strolling through campus in "University of Pink" sweatshirts?

That unequivocally may be the most preposterous thing I have ever seen.  The University of Pink surely does not exist and if it did I could not imagine a place I would rather stay away from.  No part of me understands the ideology behind the creation of this concocted university. Not only is it ridiculous, but all of it is completely hideous with its splatter paint, fake jeweled applications, and sprinklings of glitter (see #18, I Hate White Trash). 

There was also the revolting Phi Beta Pink party, which I believe was promoted by none other than my favorite girl, Heidi Montag (#17 I Hate the Hills).  So, now pink goes from being a university to a sorority.  How perfect!  Of course sorority girls love pink, so it would only make sense, for them to become sisters of the queen of all sororities, Phi Beta Pink. 

The infamous pink sweatpants are equally abominable, as is really having any word on your ass past sophomore year of high school.  If you are going to have any word placed on your ass, it might as well be slut, because that is what you are if you have an ass word in the first place.  I guess I thought our tennis sweatpants emblazoned with "nice ace" were somewhat comical, but that was high school and I like to think my fashion sense has suitably changed from my young days of umbro shorts, overalls, tie dye.  

And no, at the check out line I do not want a small pink stuffed polka dotted dog.  The sales associates and idiots who shop there act like this is some sort of one of a kind collector's item. What the hell am I supposed to do with that other than give it to Whinston to tear to pieces? 

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

#19 I Hate White Boys Who Make Beats

In case anyone needs clarification here, I mean rap beats. I know that all white boys, and boys of varying races for that matter, make other types of beats as well, but we don't need to go there. What happened in the last ten years that made white boys think that making beats would be an admirable idea?  I guess maybe it just took one white dude who succeeded in beat making  to show other white dudes that while they have a 0.0001 percent chance of making it as a rapper, the beat making industry is open to all.

Is it really open to all though?  I mean how hard is it to bust a beat to some background music. I'm no female d.j. (Samantha Ronson terrifies me), but I can think of more than one night sitting around with my friends when someone has unfortunately began rapping, others have made background beat type sounds, and it just doesn't appear to be that difficult.  I definitely could be wrong here, as I have come across many things in life which appear easy on the outside, but truly are not.  Riding a razor for one, not an easy task.  But I guess there is also a difference between being able to do something and actually being good at it. And while the market for white boy beat artists appears to be open, I am here, as usual, to disagree.

Black people are born better singers and dancers.  It's in their blood and that is just something that cannot be argued.  While Will Bence may be able to role a mean dice, he just can't hang with Chris Brown.  I think white boy beat makers, and rappers for that matter cannot be taken seriously.  It's just not natural, as white people are not born with the internal rhythm of the black man.  There are always exceptions to any rule, and obviously Eminem is one, if not the only one of these exceptions.  Pete Chatz, you are not an exception.

I hate getting facebook invitations from random E-town alum white boys turned rappers/beat makers at shady venues in Chicago.  No, I will not come to your show because if I do I will become extremely uncomfortable, probably start giggling uncontrollably like a 5th grade girl, and be forced to remove myself from the vicinity.  I don't know what it is about white rappers/beatists (new word coined by me), but they are just excruciatingly awkward for me to watch.  It's probably due to the fact that I hate them, or do I hate them because they make me uncomfortable?  I guess it's a catch-22, chicken and egg kind of thing.

Sunday, March 2, 2008

#18 I Hate White Trash


Growing up in a big, diverse city like Chicago, one would think I would not have much experience with white trash.  Unfortunately, this is not the case.  Chicago is only one of the many places I have been which is crawling with serious trash.  Take the south side for instance, and their love of the Chicago White Sox.  While some may call me a Joanie, I still believe it does not get any worse than this. U.S. Cellular is jam packed with jean shorts, tattoos, beaters, and trashiest of all, the Purdy family (joke).  There should really just be a direct trolley running Sox fans from the field to their other home away from home, Great America.  While a ride on Batman once in awhile can be a thrilling adventure, I'm generally straight off of waiting in line with airbrushed t-shirt wearing couples smoking cigs and reeking of garbage.

I also had the opportunity to spend 2 years at the lovely University of Illinois, where I not only furthered my education in English, but learned more about the trash of the Land of Lincoln. Dark roots, Aeropostale gear, and humongous hoop earrings surrounded me on my daily walks to and from the quad (Side note on big hoop earrings, I once told an unnamed Evanston trashmobile that I could stick my fist through her hoop and she never spoke to me again). Anyway, I obviously had to get out of this place.

Unfortunately, the trash could once again not be escaped on my spring break trip to Acapulco where I learned about East Coast trash.  Sometimes, I think this may be the worst kind because a lot of these people actually have money, I guess they just choose to spend it on special types of all day hold hair gel, and labels which they can flaunt to show off their wealth.  You can hear and see these people from miles away, and thanks to them, and the man who attempted to roofie me at Palladium (I stand by my story), I will not be returning to Acapulco any time soon.

And then there are my frequent visits to L.A. where half my family lives.  Driving down the glamorous Ventura Blvd., one may have the pleasure of seeing a lady of the night, dudes with their pants down to their ankles, and joutfits galore.  There's also Disneyland and if you think Great America is bad, try Six Flags Magic Mountain.  

And it's not just the U.S.  My favorite kind of trash, Eurotrash, runs rampant through an entire continent, and often pollutes our country as well.  I mean, we have enough of a garbage problem, not knowing where to put it and all, we don't need other countries sending over theirs as well.

#17 I Hate the Cast of The Hills


Love the show. Hate everyone on it. I tried to stick up for Lauren for awhile, as she seemed down to earth and sensible.  After watching 3 straight seasons I realized that this was simply not the case.  L.C. is a straight up fun blocker.  Any time anyone else is having a good time, you can find her in the corner pouting.  Who cares if your friend dates the ultimate tool of the century, Justin Bobby.  I would love to have that kid around.  I don't think it gets any more entertaining than Justin Bobby.  And the fact that she ever gave Jason the time of day should have been a tell tale sign that the girl is seriously disturbed.  I will give her wardrobe mad props, but that's where my love for Lauren begins and ends.

Audrina, I saw you in person at a restaurant in Beverly Hills with  50 year old dude who had his hand on the small of your back.  What's up with that?  I mean I am not surprised due to the interesting cast of characters you surround yourself with.  As I said before, Justin Bobby gets my points for entertainment value, but how you actually take this person seriously is beyond me.

As for Spencer and Heidi, I think the media has said enough.  You two are your own circus and as much as I hate you, I can't seem to get enough (I guess that's sad for me).  Spencer, that was so sweet and thoughtful of you to tag up your wall as if you were living in the hood of South Central L.A. and then finish off the pad with a pinball machine.  What a dream home for you and your fiancée to live in, I only wish I could snag a catch like you.  I also wish you would direct a hot music video of me singing on the beach and maybe if I was lucky enough you could rap on it.  You truly are the next Eminem.  And Heidi, you have some many true and loyal friends.  Jen Bunney, now there's a real winner.

I thought Whitney would never fail me.  She seemed to stay out of most of the drama, and she seemed witty and intelligent.  Unfortunately, she decided to go on a date with her aerobics instructor, and it all went down hill from there.  This dude was straight up Jersey trash complete with white v neck and man jewelry.  Not only did he ask her what her zodiac sign was (hate it), but he also must have made her cheers him 24 times.  I was certain she would go back to her girls later that night and tell all about her evening from hell, but to my surprise, she likes the guy! Whitney, you are dead to me.

Brody, you're hot and we'd all do you.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

#16 I Hate The University of Wisconsin-Madison


Obviously, there are plenty of cool people who go to Madison... actually, plenty is a stretch, but I know a few, including my dad.  I would love to like Madison, I mean it's a great city, the campus is located right on the lake, State Street is full of bars, stores, and restaurants.  Interestingly, it reminds me a lot of Evanston.  And I think we all know from personal experience that just because a town is pretty sweet, doesn't mean the school located there is.  I don't know of one cool person that goes to Northwestern University, and I live on the campus. I worked in a bar there and have gone to some really awesome Northwestern parties... I think that may be an oxymoron. It's okay Jane, you don't actually go there.

So yes, Madison is a great town, but is it really a great school?  Why does everyone who goes there think they are better than everyone else simply because they go there? I mean I got in to Wisconsin, and it was my last choice of schools simply because of the whole stigma that seems to go along with it.  It's not Harvard, I know straight up questionable retards who go there. Why does everyone at Madison think they can drink harder and party harder than people who don't?  I know kids at a small school in the middle of North Carolina who can drink some Badgers under the table.  And your halloween isn't all it's cracked up to be.  I know from personal experience.  Cops on horses spraying innocent victims in fairy costumes with pepper spray, it's just not worth the trip.  The only reason that I will admit that Madison students may drink more than other students is because so many of them seem to blow up like balloons their freshman year and remain that way until they graduate.

One of the great things about the Big Ten, is that so many of the students hail from the Midwest, which is a nice, friendly place that I am familiar with from having grown up here myself.  While I do appreciate an East Coaster, or a Southerner here and there, I don't know what I would do if I had to listen to the whine of the East Coast J.A.P 24/7.  Every time I go to Madison, I feel as though I am surrounded by them, mostly girls, and I just can't stand it.  They stick out with their curly black hair, Northface fleeces, Ugg boots (I guess I have most of these things), but it's just the whole package deal, and it's awful.  Why don't they just stay on the Jersey Shore where they belong?  Why do they need to come in and rot the Midwest? 

Obviously Madison has an occasional gem or two (Alex Roveda), but when it comes down to it, I guess I'd rather be surrounded by the emo, skinny jean wearing, mop top headed, unisex DePaul Blue Demons.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

#!5 I Hate People Who Think Evanston is Dangerous


I mean, come on now, it's a city, cities have crime, you have to take the bad with the good, and when it comes down to it, it's a great place, and I can't think of anywhere else I'd rather live.  Yes, my ex boyfriend got dragged out of his car and searched for drugs with 4 guns pointed at his head, and sadly, some of the kids we have grown up with have been shot and even killed, but its the price we pay for living in an integrated city where people actually know how to get along with people of other races.  Okay, that is obviously not always the case, as I cannot even tell you how many times I was chased down the hall and called "Stupid White Girl" for accidentally bumping into someone.  But, in a way it's pretty funny, I mean, I wish I could get away with calling someone a stupid white girl and demand "respeck" whenever I wanted to.  I couldn't imagine high school with out the fights in the hall ways over issues such as whether or not DeShawn is truly Latriece's baby daddy (Maury show: quick fix for this kind of dilemma).  

What's so much better about New Trier or Loyola? Half those kids are high on Ecstasy and Coke throughout high school, and others are committing suicide from the depression of living in such a dull community. (Side note: when was the last time a kid at Evanston committed suicide?)  It sucks that our high school is located kitty corner from Church and Dodge, a.k.a. Gangsterville, U.S.A., but I guess I look back on getting icicles and snowballs thrown at me while waiting there for the bus freshman year with some sort of nostalgia.  And yes, Shantal slapped me across the face in 8th grade for saying hello to her boyfriend, but I punched a girl in a bar in the middle of Lincoln Park (true story), so who's scary now?

I also love how when I tell people that I live in Evanston they look at me with such terror, wondering how I can possibly sleep at night.  Dude, I live on the Home Alone 3 street, parallel to the Sixteen Candles Street, and went to Dennis the Menice's elementary school and Rookie of the Year's Middle School.  I sleep just fine on my quaint tree lined street which interestingly enough is full of families who choose to live in Evanston yet send their children to private Catholic schools where things are much "safer."  These are another category of people I hate (Sorry Jane, much love to you and your fam).  Anyway, I am and always will be a proud Evanstonian, who is fortunate enough to know about juking (while I can't actually do it myself), derbing (I guess I could theoretically do this), and straight kickin' it.

#14 I Hate Religious Extremists


Sorry, not trying to come off as the anti-christ here, but I think it gets pretty ridiculous.  I really do believe that religion is one of the main reasons for war in the world, and it should be completely done away with.  Actually, I guess it can stay, but the extremists have got to go. Obviously, Muslim extremists seem to be as bad as it can get, with their honor killings and suicide bombings, but I don't know much about that, nor do I want to, so let's not go there.

Christian extremists really freak me out.  I was terrified when meeting my freshman year college roommate, because her mom asked my mom and me  "Do Y'all Jews believe in Yah-Weh?" Seriously now, who is that? And, I'm going to go with no, because I don't really believe in anything, except maybe karma, because people usually seem to get theirs in the end. Anyway, I was officially frightened of living with this girl whose father was a pastor, and I was utterly convinced that she and her church youth group would murder me in the middle of the night if I did not accept Jesus Christ as my personal savior.  Long story short, she turned out to be pretty sweet, and the J Man never really came up, other than the fact that biblical quotes were posted all along her side of the room, as well as an interesting picture of some man from her Church who I am positive has molested at least 17 children.  And as for the people who begin sentences with "The Bible says..." that's like me saying Simon says, or something equally ridiculous.  The Bible pretty much seems to say, don't have a good time, so I'm straight off that.

And I'm not just some Jesus hating Jew here.  Orthodox Jews bad themselves, they just aren't as in your face on late night t.v. shows literally having seizures in the presence of the Lord, and setting up missionaries in Africa to "save" those in need.  On the other hand, they apparently think long sideburn curls and beards are all the rage, and word on the street is that they get down through a hole in the sheet (straight gangsta rhyme). You have also probably seen them walking around Skevanston on the weekends during the Sabbath, since of course getting in the car would be grounds for God knows what (literally).  Apparently turning on the t.v. or even a light switch on these days is unacceptable.  Sounds like a great time to me, let's sit around letting our hair grow longer and umm.. yeah that's all I got.

Hey, religious extremists, you extremely suck.

Monday, February 25, 2008

#13 I Hate Facebook


I know this may come as a huge shock, considering the fact that I am literally on that website 24/7.  I really believe it is the worst technological development to date. Worst than the nuclear bomb.  Sometimes, I really feel that I am wasting my days away on that site, and for what purpose? What good am I getting from it? It's so awesome to look at pictures of your ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend on vacation in Hawaii, or some freak show turned model from your kindergarten class.  I guess the latter has entertaining qualities, as does all of the high schoolers posting up pictures of themselves getting wasted after one beer, but I feel like I should be better than that.  Apparently I'm not, I just wish I was, and I guess at least it's the thought that counts.

We are all just spying on each other's lives.  I learn of so many new relationships, breakups, dramatic moments, etc. from this website.  That is just creepy.  What's also creepy is the fact that my friends and I have a fake facebook girl that many people seem to take so seriously.  We find a picture of some random blonde girl, fill her profile with typical girl ridiculousness such as interests of tanning, working out, and drinking, and she gets more messages than any real person I know.  What is it with interests such as tanning and working out?  Are these actual interests?  I sure don't find either of these things interesting.  I guess drinking can make things interesting, but I still  wouldn't call it a legit interest.

We also stuck on some ridiculous quotes that girls seem to love.  I really just can't get enough of "Everything is okay in the end.  If it's not okay, it's not the end."  Usually when there is some type of ending, things are not okay.  For example, a breakup would signify an end, a death would signify an end, and in neither of these situations are things okay.  So, I don't want to see that quote ever because it's awful and whoever made it up should probably end his or her life. That would be a great end.

And enough with the applications.  No, I don't want to know what character I would be on Sex and the City (okay, actually I was curious), but I am certainly not going to go around ranking people I barely know in their order of hotness or asking people to anonymously tell me what they really think of me (I don't even want to know).

As much as we all go on facebook, I truly think everyone would breathe a sigh of relief if it all of a sudden disappeared someday.  I know I could just click the deactivate button, but then I also know I will press the reactivate button 2 days later, because it's that easy.  

Friday, February 22, 2008

#12 I Hate Sororities


So, I would say I hate girls in sororities, but then that would include hating half of my friends, so although I may hate my friends sometimes, I'll leave them out of this.  Also, I don't know if I really hate sororities in general, or if I more so hate sororities at U of I, because those are the only ones that I have really had any experience with.  I think I'm going to go ahead and say I hate all sororities in general though.  Yes, I did rush (twice sadly), but when it came down to it, I just couldn't commit.  I remember all of the girls crying over sisterhood at 3rd invite, even some of my fellow rushees.  I however, felt no emotion whatsoever.  Why cry over something like sisterhood when you can cry about far more serious things (being called a joke by a friend for instance, or being accused of one to many HCUs).  Anyway, I have a sister, and I don't really need any others.  Some girls to go out with might be fun, but not these girls.

Every time you meet a new girl at U of I, she automatically asks you what house you are in.  Not are in you a house, but what house are you in.  Is it possibly that on a campus of over 25,000 where only about 20% is greek that I am not in a sorority?  Oh, you're a Theta are you?  As cool as that makes you, you are also a full on clone of the Wicked Witch of the West, and your girl over there is channelling Wario.  

Half of these girls that everyone else seems to be jealous of have literally never left Huckleberry, Illinois, where they kill frogs on the weekend for kicks.  They also can't get enough of name dropping the tools in their brother fraternities (see #2 I Hate Boys Who Tan). Let's all fight over Josh, who unbuttons his collared shirt down to the last button (Sorry Hank), works at Green St. Tan, and frequents IMPE where he pumps iron and searches for girls with the Tri Delt symbol on their ass to cheat on his girlfriend with.

I guess some of the things they do look like a fun time, but theoretically I could go to Joe's dressed as a "tennis ho" "gold digger" or any of their other awesome and unique costume ideas, if I really felt up to it.  I think I'd actually rather go as the crazy girl causing some sort of scene and then leaving in tears 20 minutes later... oh wait, I go as her every night.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

#11 I Hate the Keg


I really don't think I've ever enjoyed it.  Not even when I was 19.  Maybe that's because when I was starting to think it was semi fun, some dude got shot.  Side note: the kid who did the shooting was my 7th grade science partner.  I clearly remember poking his inner cheek with a toothpick for DNA samples.  Anyway, what's so great about the keg?  I guess if you are a 16 year old chick or a 24 year old dude it's real happenin'... at least that's what I've been told.  

The front part of the bar seems to be where the shooters hang out.  It's also where some pretty entertaining fights go down, such as Garrett fighting with "Piff Paff" and knocking over a popcorn machine, or me being called a slut and getting serious bows dropped on me (true story).  Then there is the back area which usually seems to be taken over by people who are slightly socially awkward, such as the "Circle".  The darts/pool area is full of New Trier and Loyola kids. While it is an Evanston bar, I guess it's okay for neighboring towns to check out the seriously hot scene.  What really irks me is these jokes coming from Highland Park and Lake Forest as though they are VIPs rolling through Les Deux.  Are you really going to come this far to hang out at the Keg of Evanston?  

These girls are the types that literally spend Friday to the next Thursday planning what they are going to wear that night.  So many times I have been asked, "What are you wearing tonight?"  Do you really think I give a shit?  It's the keg, how about a dirty pair of sweat pants and a beater.  I guess it's not only these girls from the Northshore, but also Evanston girls, particularly a specific group two years younger than me.  This is the night they really get to shine.

The dance floor may be my favorite part, though I'm probably there least often.  I am the worst dancer in the entire world.  I'm not going to hate on other  people for being bad dancers, because they have one up on me for at least not caring what other people think.  It's still funny to watch one of your friends up on a pole demanding everyone look at her, another dancing with a football player who tells her he wants to "sop her up like a biscuit" and a third chick wearing literally a t-shirt and gogo boots juking with a member of the gangster disciples (okay, I guess this wasn't at the keg, but it might have well been).

Wait so do I hate the Keg then? Or am I extremely entertained by it?  I'm pretty sure I hate it, considering the only time I went there this past summer was when I was told this little bitch was talking smack about my sister.  I hate it because it reminds me of a brothel, where older guys go because they know without a doubt they will at least get a make out on the dance floor with a junior in high school,  I hate it because orange skinned whores "forget" to wear underwear under their 2 inch jean skirts, I hate it because I feel like I have to take at least 3 showers after coming back in order to feel remotely clean, I hate Erika the bartender giving me dirty looks every time I ask for a shot of soco and lime, and I hate how every Friday morning, the People's Champ calls me and tells me that he's too old for it there and promises never to go back, only to return 6 days later.

#10 I Hate People Who Can't Take a Joke

So, maybe this is funny to some people who believe that I, myself, cannot take a joke.  Truthfully, I think I can very well take a joke, but either way, this isn't about me, it's about other people.  I don't care if you think I'm contradicting myself by writing this, it is something I cannot stand and therefore, it goes on the list.

I remember in 7th grade during spirit week, my friend Brecon and I were sitting in the bleachers watching the staff play the 8th grade team in basketball.  We were all decked out in Haven's yellow and blue, cheering for our friends.  In front of us sat this girl, Casey, who didn't seem to be having any fun.  Brecon and I wanted to spread the Northstar cheer, so we decided to take some of our star stickers and place them on the back of her sweatshirt.  It took awhile for her to catch on, but when she did, she blew up in tears and really let us have it.  Come on Casey, we were just trying to turn you into the shining Northstar you were inside.  She has definitely hated me ever since, walking through the halls of Evanston in her one piece pom kit fit literally looking right through me (at least we taught her to have school spirit). I still see her on campus from time to time and I guess she thinks she's teaching me a lesson by averting her eyes and not returning my winning smiles.  Sorry Casey, but I don't want to talk to you either. You suck majorly.

Then there was that time in high school when Ian told some of my friends and me that he and Matt had hid some beer in his shed.  I still don't know why he told us that, but maybe it's because we were only sophomores and it was really cool to somehow get your hands on any type of alcohol.  Either way, I was with a bunch of girls one night and we decided it would be a good idea to go into his shed and steal the case.  When the boys realized the beer was gone, they got really pissed.  Of course one of the "friends" I was with decided to be a snitch.  Matt was literally 2 seconds away from punching me in the face.  I still don't understand the big deal here, I mean sorry for grabbing your $11.99 24 pack of Oldstyle boys, but you got it back.  We could have all had a big laugh and gotten wasted together, but no, instead he gets me back for this (and maybe a few more things), a year later by stealing $100 from the my dog groomer (which was not a funny joke...okay, maybe a little).

I really think the best was 2 summers ago, when I was sort of dating this guy who at the time I thought was real sweet.  Anyway, after I got my wisdom teeth pulled, I had a huge bruise on my arm from where the i.v. went in.  When he asked me what had happened I replied, "Don't you remember, you hit me there last night, and I'm going to show the police."  While he laughed at the time, he definitely didn't call me for about a week, and then of course I run into him the next Thursday night at the keg (also on the list of things I hate to come).  So I ask him why he hasn't called, and he tells me that he really did not think my joke was very funny.  Are you kidding me dude?  I am extremely confused as to how someone could take that much offense to me making a stupid joke, and he tells me that it's not the first time a "rich white girl" has threatened to tell the cops he hit her, and that he didn't need that kind of shit on his record. Not the first time a girl said you hit her? Shit on your record? Wow, I'm actually scared.  Guess he did me a favor with breaking it off, though I did cry for a week after.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

#9 I Hate People Who Listen to Underground Rap


First of all, we all know how much I hate the question "What kind of music do you listen to?" Unfortunately, this question is often posed, usually by people who think they are better than everyone else because they have discovered some awesome new bands that no one else knows about.  They are so nonconformist! How new it is to not like the mainstream, and stick hundreds of witty pins into your hemp tote bag.  Oh, I hate Abercrombie and Fitch so I'm going to go to the nearest thrift shop, and buy a shit stained vintage dress (Sorry Doman, I know you frequent these stores and stay away from the stained items). 

I guess I'm off on a tangent here, the I hate nonconformist segment will come at another date. The focus here is underground rap and therefore the main demographic would be white boys, though I could probably think of a few whores who are also cool enough to listen to this style of music.  So, when these people are asked what kind of music they listen to, they usually reply, "I listen to underground, noncommercial stuff you probably wouldn't have heard of."  Oh really now do you.  Like who?  Atmosphere? Aesop Rock? They are so deep underground that no one has heard of him. Why does everyone who listens to Atmosphere have some kind of stick up their ass?  Most "underground" rappers are people that we have all heard of, making them "above ground".

And does this mean that you will no longer like these rappers when they are no longer underground?  Is it really that terrible for  a musician you like to get famous and make some real money?  I hope the smirk on my face is visible every time some dumb ass white boy tells me how much he hates commercial rap, and how it doesn't even compare to his secret rap c.d.s that no one else knows about.  And what's so bad about T-Pain and Rick Ross?  They're popular for a reason.  I think next time I am asked about my favorite music, or lectured about the wonders of underground rap, I will simply reply, "Yahh Trick!"

#8 I Hate (Most) Young Republicans


Sorry Jon, but you know I do.  To me, they are on the same level with Hitler's young Nazi society, whatever that was called. I guess I can understand a farmer from Kentucky, or a member of the Armed Forces joining the Republican party, but that's where I draw the line.  Especially when you're young, and supposed to have the whole "save the world" mentality.  How selfish do we need to be?  Let's leave the poor to fend for themselves, and take away healthcare.  Even India has free healthcare, though I guess they probably need it more than we do.  We should also probably not let gay people get married, because it really effects us in any way at all.  And as for abortion, let's take that right away too.  That way, when Evanston High School senior, Latiniqua Jones is forced to have a back alley coat hanger abortion and develops a terrible infection, she can just suffer it out because she can't afford health insurance.

Guns are also a necessity for us youngsters.  It's nice that it's so easy for psycho ass Steven Kazmierczak to walk into a store and buy five guns.  Why do we need guns?  So that we can be legit shooters?  I guess I know one certified "shooter," though he probably will never have a Bachelor's degree, and certainly does not own a gun (I hope).  My neighbor, the nicest guy ever, accidentally shot his younger brother when he was little.  As terrible as that is, what's worse is that he continues to have guns in his house today with 3 little kids.  A good friend of my Dad's was also shot and killed by her senile husband who mistook her for an intruder as he used his gun for "protection." It's called a German Shepherd, and from my experience, a Cocker Spaniel will also do just fine.

We should probably spend as much money as possible building a gate to keep out the Mexicans. It's so terrible to have them in our country taking the jobs that no one else wants.  They are Mexicans, so they probably won't be smart enough to figure out other ways to get into our country without crossing the border.  What a joke.  My childhood caretaker/housekeeper/extra grandma, Tila (yeah, laugh all you want), came here from Guatemala in the trunk of a car when she was a teenager.  She has really posed a big problem to the U.S. by taking care of 3 kids, sewing them barbie doll outfits and making an occasional quesadilla. She should definitely be deported to Guatemala where many of her friends have mysteriously disappeared in the night only to have their livers cut out and sold on the black market.

And as for abortion, how terrible of me to even utter the word.  Yeah, it's not the most pleasant thing in the world, but its a necessary evil.  Condoms break, dental dams (hahaha) don't work, and we unfortunately live in a world where rape happens.  Fortunately, the problem is fixable, and it's a right that every girl should have.  The most disturbing is when a woman is pro-life, like that biatch that came to lecture in my health class sophomore year of high school.  Really, I wish I could put her in a time machine, bring her back to high school and get her pregnant. Have fun walking through the halls of E-town with a basketball sized bulge under your sequined Bebe tank top...

#7 I Hate Britney Haters


Seriously, it's enough already.  Get over it.  So she drove around with Sean P. on her lap in the front seat of her car and gave Jaden some candy.  Obviously, she is a bad mother, and that's fine. There are plenty of bad mothers out there, some of whom I may even know personally (Not mine though, she's top of the line).  So, take her kids away and give them to K-Fed, because he's truly a stand up citizen.  Either way, can we just move on to the next topic?  Does it really matter if she steals some underwear from a department store or makes out with a rando dude in a hot tub? We all do those kinds of things.  

I mean, she has been in the spot light since she was 16 years old and has more money that she knows what to do with.  Honestly, what would you do if you had that kind of power?  You'd probably go a little crazy.  I mean I'm crazy enough with $20 in my pocket, I can only imagine if 6 more zeros were placed after that.  As crazy as she is, she comes out with some serious hits. Her new c.d. has already produced 3 hit singles, all of which I love.  And, yeah she screwed up at the VMA's but thats because she has so many haters.  How could you do well performing in front of a bunch of people who are expecting you to fail?  I can't even throw a dart straight in front of 2 friends who I know are laughing at my "form" behind my back (though one can't even hit the board half the time himself).

I am just so sick of hearing about her, when there is so much better entertainment out there. Don't instant message me about how Britney's sister is pregnant when we can talk about the fact that one of our friends may very well be a lesbian.  Which I truly find a million times juicier.  Britney, I don't care if you throw Sean and Jaden off the top of the Sears Tower while wearing nothing but nipple tassels.  When it comes to your hits, gimme more.

#6 I Hate Randy

Yes, unfortunately it's true.  The Randy I hate is one of my old managers at "The Moon".  Hey, dude, I'm sorry that I worked there for a summer job and some extra cash on the side, and that the best you're going to be in life is a 3rd tier manager at some crummy restaurant bar, but you don't have to take it out on me.  And yes I do say 3rd tier manager because he is not the first in charge, not even the second, but the 3rd which means he pretty much as absolutely no say.

Why do I hate this man so much you may ask?  Well he pretty much never gave me a chance.  I know that I may not be the world's greatest waitress.  In fact, I am probably one of the only waitresses in the history of waitresses to spill on a customer and then trip on the remnants of that spillage five minutes later.  But I apologized, and everyone else seemed to get a big laugh over it.  Andy on the other hand, let me know that maybe I was not cut out for the restaurant business.  At the same time, I was one of maybe two people in that restaurant who actually smiled, whether or not that smile was phony as hell.  I also had some sort of people skills and did not bark at my tables like "Poo" (kill me now) or engage in hitting a customer with their bill at the end of the night like my good friend, Dan.  So what's the beef Randy?

He used to come up to me and tell me how "fresh" I smelled (creep), or ask me what kind of music I listened to (my least favorite question ever).  So, I am not exactly sure when our downfall began.  I am assuming it was the time I went in to the bar, drunk on halloween, which I think is a pretty normal thing to do.  Unfortunately a ginger bitch made a negative reference to my costume, and that was all I needed to set me off.  Maybe it was wrong, but it was not during working hours, and I don't think it was really that big of a deal.  Then there was the time I was drunk and allegedly "pushed someone".  Of course, Randy was the only one who said this "push".  No one complained, and who cares, I push people all the time.  

I guess  the final straw was the time he watched me through the window as I did the worm on the sidewalk out front in front of 2 friends.  First of all, it was 3 a.m., and second, I was not even in the restaurant.  At this point, Andy demanded that I be fired on the grounds that I was making a bad impression in front of customers that may recognize me.  Come on Randy, the customers we get at the Moon are a bunch of drunk bums from the halfway house on Chicago Ave who stumble down the street looking for someone to argue with. Randy loves this because making a good point against someone who doesn't change their underwear daily is the only time in his life that he has every felt intelligent.  Bottom line, I did not get fired (that time). Though, according to Randy it was my 3rd strike.  As much as he wanted me gone, his superiors, who actually have some sense of humor, found my antics hilarious and would not hear of my dismissal.  

So, Randy, wherever you are (I know you're at the Moon running around shouting out orders because this is the only control you have in the world), why don't you stop getting angry at 22 year old girls who are throwing back a few shots of vodka to have a good time, while you yourself are snorting whip-its in the kitchen to get high during your managerial shifts.  Yeah, that's right, caught ya.  And as for your fianceé, Kathy, the best of luck in your (2nd... of many) marriage.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

#5 I Hate Girls Who Pretend They Like Sports


Here, I must say pretend, instead of just simply saying I hate girls who like sports.  This is because there is just no such thing.  Girls do not like sports.  Okay, I take that back, I'm a girl and I enjoy a round of tennis.  I also played left defense for Team Evanston in my prime, though it was the B team.  Playing sports is fun, and a great way to stay in shape.  However, this is not exactly what I mean.  What I am referring to here are the idiots who follow their boyfriends to Bears games and actual attempt to offer some type of side commentary.  Yes, sporting events are fun.  I especially love going to baseball games because the atmosphere is awesome, the hotdogs are delicious, the beer is refreshing, and the guys are generally attractive (Cubs games, not Sox).  But I am not going to for one minute pretend like I know the different between an RBI and an ERA. Any girl who knows these things has simply looked up as much information as she can right before you picked her up for the game. 

Football is the worst.  Football jerseys do not look cute on girls.  So stop wearing them.  And while basketball may be somewhat understandable after many attempts to follow it, football will always remain a puzzle.  You are not any cooler to the guys if you can name the offensive line for the Bears.  In fact, which ever guy you are attempting to impress is probably wondering if you are a lez.  Have you ever realized that the more manly a girl looks, the more she is into sports?  It is always the big girl in front front row with the enormous beer/burger combo, screaming at the top of her lungs at someone to pass or tackle. Fact: the more feminine looking the girl, the less she cares about sports, and I'll keep my femininity, thank you very much.

When a home team team does well, I am glad because everyone goes out and is in a good mood. I do not however paint my face and scream at the top of my lungs high-fiving ever other dude with a Cubs hat on.  I don't even like tailgating, because that entails getting up early, though I understand why most girls would want to do it.  If you are going to have to suffer through a sporting event, you might as well get drunk.  I have never seen a sober girl enjoying herself at a game.  And while it is not uncommon for a plastered guy to be sitting next to his drunk girlfriend, he will still likely have a good time regardless of the alcohol, unless of course his team is down.  I have learned that that is grounds for male tears.  And, while that is something else I hate, we won't get into that right now.

#4 I Hate People With Only One Name


While some people may be too cool for facebook (I truly wish I was one of them), others are simply too cool for school.  But is anyone actually sweet enough for only one name?  I guess guys on sports teams are naturally awesome and so it makes sense that they are devoid of first names, but seriously what does it take to only have a first name?  There are some people that I guess may almost be cool enough to be only known by their first name.  For instance, a guy I know, Will, probably deserves to only be called Will.  And no, it's not Will Bence, so don't go there.  I truly believe, he is the definition of the word cool, and therefore, if I had to initiate someone new into the no-last- name-club, he would be my first pick.

However, no matter how hard I try, I just don't agree that it is fair for Madonna to not have a last name.  Maybe this is because I have a personal problem with her.  It all started when I was three years old, in an elevator with my Dad at the Four Seasons hotel in Toronto.  Obviously, I was an adorable child, no questions there, and Madonna's bodyguard decided to point that out. Rudely, Madonna turned away, refusing to look at me, and I have never forgot that moment. But it's really not only that.  She just does not strike me as someone cool enough to not have a last name. Yes, she has sold more than 200 million albums worldwide, and is the 2nd most successful top-selling female artist in the U.S. (care of wikipedia), but I'll bet the female artist that beats her record still has her last name.  Unless, it is Fergie, which would be tré disturbing to me.  I really would rather not even get started on that butter face.  Madonna just bothers me, I mean who does she think she is?  She's so mysterious, I don't even know much about her besides the fact that she has joined the Kabbalah faith, which should please me as a Jew, but it just does not.  And while I love "Like a Virgin" just as much as the next girl, I stand strong. Madonna needs a last name.

My final person with only one name is far less known than Madonna, though some may still consider her a celebrity.  Her name is LaLaine and she starred as Miranda on one of my all time favorite t.v. shows, Lizzie McGuire.  It really does not get much better than Lizzie McGuire now does it?  Anyway, Miranda was always pretty annoying as Lizzie's sidekick, and the show definitely did not need her to make it the gem it was, but what annoyed me the most about her was the fact that every time the credits rolled around the lone name LaLaine was posted across the screen.  Why is this 14 year old girl too cool for a last name you may ask?  I wish I had the answer to this. What I do know, is that she is also a girl I have kind of had a personal experience with, and it was not a pleasant one.  A heinous girl who lived on the street next to mine growing up thought herself to be some sort of an actress.  This is a joke as her claim to fame is the role of squirrel on Date My Mom, however, this girl decided to have a party and knew LaLaine from her days in Hollywood, failing to break it in the big leagues.  Anyway, my loser friends decide to crash this party, and as we are jumping through bushes I of course fall and bust my knee.  My friend Emily runs into the party to get some ice as I lay down crying in the dirt (way less dramatic than it sounds, I always cry).  Apparently, as she is running through the drunken 16 year olds, she bumps into LaLaine who has just finished boppin' in the D of some E-town gangster.  LaLaine whirls around and says, "Watch out, I'm LaLaine."  While she most likely just gave Emily a dirty look, this is how we have chosen to remember it, and I think its classic.  Side note: Where is LaLaine today? 

#3 I Hate People Who Go Abroad and Come Back "Changed"


Okay, so maybe I am a bit biased because although I always planned to study abroad, it did not end up happening.  So I never went through the "culture shock" in France, nor did I  "find myself" in Italy.  Going abroad sounds like an amazing time, and any one who did it is lucky to have the amazing experience and memories, but come on now, coming back hating America is just wrong. If going to another country makes you hate it that much, then by all means, please just don't come back.  We'll be better off without you.  What is so amazing about Spain that you have to complain for months about our American ways?  The answer would be... nothing.  Take a day or two, situate yourself and then get back into the swing of things.  It's amazing to hear, "I wish I was back in Australia," months after coming back to the states.  No one sits around whining about how they still wish they were in preschool all day.  Get over it.

What's even worse is when these people begin to compare the U.S. to the country they studied in abroad.  "I am so annoyed, a drink only cost $2 in Argentina" or "Europeans are so much more sophisticated; they drink red wine with every meal."  As awesome as that is, there is a reason that we all live in this country, so let's enjoy it, and not make everyone else miserable.

At least most people I know have passed through this phase and finally accepted America as their homeland once again.  On the other hand, there are those who now cannot get enough of the world and must conquer it all.  While going abroad was supposed to be a way to earn more college credits while having a fun time, there are also those who now wish to drop out of school and spend more of their parents money hiking through Asia.  These people are so worldly and mature, it is just beyond someone like me to understand.  

Some of them may not drop out of school, but instead finish as fast as they can to join the Peace Corps.  Obviously, I could never say I hate the Peace Corps, but I can say that I hate many people who join the Peace Corps.  How self righteous can we get people?  I'm sorry but these are the same people who stop showering and shaving (if they haven't already in high school- I think we all know some of those), and come back with permanent dirt under their fingernails, serious dreadlocks if they still have hair, and arms full of tribal bracelets that will never be removed.  Gross.  Take a shower.  And, yes I understand that there are starving kids in African who need clean water, and that every time I leave a light on I am damaging the ozone layer. And I really do care.  But I'll save the world in my own way, perhaps by writing a blog. America.  Fuck Yeah.

#2 I Hate Boys Who Tan

I hate boys who tan.  Boys who tan also seem to share other characteristics that I dislike such as gelled hair, man jewelry, and backwards hats.  Girls who tan are ridiculous enough but now guys? What is this world coming to?  And they usually know they are doing something wrong when heading to the nearest Palm Beach Tan.  On more than one occasion, I have watched a guy look both ways before quietly slipping through the doors and sheepishly requesting 10 minutes in a bed.  Has anyone every seen Sunset Tan on E!?  These guys are the biggest douche bags in all of humanity.  They are perfect representations of the frequent male tanner.  Male tanners are walking contradictions.  They tan, gel their hair, and adorn themselves in pooka shell beads because they care about their appearances like girls do, yet their actions prove far from feminine.  

They are in fact the most appalling and offensive of all specimen.  They strut around bars on college campuses as if they own the place, and any girl would be lucky to be seen walking back to their apartments and frat houses around 3 a.m.  I'm sorry but your $25 Abercrombie pooka shell necklace is not impressive.  It may have been cool to wear when vacationing as a 7th grader in Hawaii, but once again, for a girl, in Junior High School, in Hawaii  And as for gelled hair, literally what is the point?  If you are having that bad of a hair day put on a baseball cap, forward, and call it a day.  Why is it that all creepy people have gel in their hair?  Whether it is that butch lesbian who works at Starbucks and winks at you every morning, or that psycho that shot up NIU, it is a definite symbol of the Creep Party.  

And I guess backward hats are not the end of the world, but to me, they just say, "Look how cool I am," and you're not.  It's hideous.  Girls who are attracted to these guys are worse than the guys themselves.  But I guess they deserve each other.  Have fun with that.

#1 I Hate Girls

I hate girls.  I really and truly do.  Being one myself, this may seem odd however it's the god honest truth,  I am not some tranny who feels trapped in a woman's body while longing to be a man.  In fact, I enjoy being a girl most of the time and take pleasure in many things that are commonly associated with being a girl.  For example, there was a time in my life when I went to get a manicure once a week, choosing colors ranging from the lightest pink (marshmallow) to the classic goth favorite, midnight surprise, only to peel of the polish and chew off any new signs of nail growth within the first 3 days.  

I also thoroughly enjoy shopping. I find myself raking through the racks of clothes at Nordstrom at least every other Saturday afternoon if not more often.  Sometimes, I hide from one of the sales girls in my favorite section because I am embarrassed at how often I shop there.  I realize that this is idiotic because she is really very friendly and is only there to help me.  But I do not need help.  I despise being followed around asked if I need any assistance.  I also loathe people that do need assistance when shopping.  Seriously what the hell do they need help with?  I guess once in awhile you may need something in another size, but generally, that doesn't work out.  If it's not on the racks, you're not going to get it.  

And honestly, I do love to wear makeup.  Women are lucky in that if they wake up looking like shit, there is always a go to product.  Bags under the eyes get covered by heavy makeup, pimples are concealed, eyebrows are filled in, and lashes are lengthened.  The only thing an unfortunate looking guy can hope to do is hide under a baseball cap, but usally this does not quite do the trick.  

Almost as much as hating girls, I hate girls who complain about being girls.  They ask stupid questions like, "why do we have to give birth?" and "why do we have to get our periods?"  Well, we get the upper hand for carrying the baby because more often than not, the children are much closer to the mother than the father.  And as for the period, stuff it.  Literally and figuratively.  

But back to why I hate girls, they are so god damn annoying.  Instead of going for a weekly manicure and taking pleasure in chewing off the polish, I have noticed that they freak out when a small piece chips and demand it to be fixed immediately.  Or they skip the manicure altogether and get fake nails, and I cannot think of anything more hideous than this.  I will admit that I got some for a school dance junior year of high school, but that is exactly what it was, a dance junior year of high school.  And at that young age of 16, I realized that it was simply unacceptable.  Same goes for fake tans, spray on or bed.  

When girls go shopping they take hours upon hours trying on an outfit, taking it off, putting on a new one, then going. back to the old one and comparing.  Some may even take pictures with their camera phones, sending them to friends asking for their opinions.  On the other hand, I will try something on and ask myself if it looks good.  It usually does, so I buy it.  If it does not look good (a rarity indeed), I discard it.  

And as for makeup, it is misused more than any other household item.  Yes, as girls we should use the power of makeup to elongate our lashes, create a rosy glow on our cheeks, and gloss our lips.  But most girls take this power too far.  Halloween comes once a year and it's fun because everyone loves to dress up and in some cases scare people.  Most girls seem to believe Halloween occurs every day dressing like sluts, painting their eyes in thick black cat like shapes, or caking their makeup on like a clown.  Sometimes, when it is hot enough outside, the makeup will melt and a line is formed along the face separating the neck from the rest of the face.  This is my favorite.

Returning to the phenomenon of the tanning bed, it just needs to end.  It takes away from going on a vacation to somewhere warm.  Usually, the best part of a tropical vacation is knowing that when you get home, all of your friends will say, "You're so tan! I'm so jealous!"  Nowadays, what is the point of a vacation?  You might as well take off work, sit in your room doing nothing but read trashy beach novels for a few days and then head to the local tanning salon.  What's the difference?  Moreover, how tan do girls need to get these days?  I'm happy with a splattering of freckles here and there, and while my fair skin simply burns and peels, I am certainly not jealous of those walking around looking like Oompa Loompas.  Tan girls turn into wrinkly old leather skinned women, many of whom believe it or not have had some form or another of skin cancer.  I truly believe pale is the new tan, and while I hope to get more freckles at the beach this summer, I do think all tanning salons should be shut down.  This brings me to another thing I hate...