Tuesday, May 26, 2009

#29 I Hate France

France is certainly not a destination I'd like to say Bonjour to! With it's smelly citizens, disgustingly unrecognizable food choices, and blatant America and Jew haters, I would choose to skip it on any European tour. I have not been to France since I was about 13 years old, and I must say it's been a fabulous 10 years since. After spending a grueling 5 days in Paris, I believe I have fulfilled my lifetime French fix, though I will miss the croissants. They are surely not something we can mimic in our attempts at Parisian bakeries. 

French people smell bad. It's not a stereotype if it's true, right? Maybe they're conserving water. I can respect that, but there's got to be a better way. Truthfully, I think that they are just trying to prevent Americans from getting too close. Well, I'll tell you something Madame and Monsieur, whatever you're doing (or not doing), it's working. Not only do they smell, but they're downright rude. Ask a Mexican for directions and he'll not only tell you how to get there, but take you personally and then maybe even share some pleasant conversation over tequila shots (or try to touch your boobs). Ask a Frenchman and receive a look dirtier than his unwashed armpits. 

Why do they hate us so much? As they walk the streets in their crappy American athletic jerseys watching crappy American TV and listening to even crappier American music, they can't even give us props for theses gifts we've bestowed upon them, while we have named two of life's greatest pleasures, the kiss and the fry, after them! All I ask in return is a little merci here and there.

Some people ask me if maybe I was simply too young to truly understand all that Paris has to offer. After all, it is the city of love. Unfortunately I do not think I will ever love it. What is really so great about it? It has the Mona Lisa, which you have to wait in a 4 hour line to see. I've seen it in a book. Good enough. Next, there's the Eiffel Tower, but then again, I'm afraid of heights so what good does that do me? The Seine? Piss on the Seine, as many of the Parisians seem to do. The highlight of my trip to France was Euro Disney and that's something we have not one, but two of stateside! 

Also, the French are so uppity, looking down on the looseness of American culture. However, I don't think I have ever seen more boobs in my life than my short trip to Paris. My mom had to change the channels at our 5 star hotel while we covered our eyes, to bypass the dozens of freely available pornographic channels, and even the rides at the carnival across the street were covered with naked women. Naked hairy women. Naked hairy women who most likely have not showered in a week. On that pleasant note, Au Revoir.

P.S. Sorry Ali. 

Sunday, May 24, 2009

#28 I Hate Outdoor Festivals

Yeah, that's right, I said it. If that makes me some kind of social outcast, so be it. Maybe it's pathetic that I'd rather sit on my couch, air conditioning set to 65 degrees watching Law and Order: SVU marathons, than hang out at the Fill in the Blank St. Art Fest, but I don't care. I'm 100 percent content watching Benson and Stabler put away child rapists while you're out boozing on the streets, alcohol and sweat oozing out of your pores. 

Outdoor festivals are crowded, sweaty, steamy and terrible. There is never any seating available, and you wait in line for hours before getting a beer which you then spill all over yourself 5 seconds later when one of the many wife beater wearing festival goers walks into you. It's swelteringly hot and most people there wish they were on their couches watching Law and Order: SVU Marathons. Come on, admit it.

Does anyone really care about the infinite tents of artwork? It all looks the same to me. People weave in and out pretending to be interested, each time the artist's heart racing, wondering, will this be my big break? It never is. It actually depresses me, thinking of these people spending their summers packing and repacking the same kitschy paintings and household decor that will most likely never be sold. Sometimes I'll buy a pair of earrings or a bracelet, just to be nice, but in this current economic situation, even I will say no to the unappealing glass beaded keychains and rusting silver rings. 

I guess the food is good, as hotdogs and hamburgers tend to be, but living in Chicago, isn't it just as easy to walk across the street for a sizzlin' red hot with fries? I'll give some major points to street fair lemonade, as it seems to be an amazing mixture, the perfect combination of sweet and sour particular to the outdoor festival. The problem here is that last time I ordered this delectable concoction, I stubbled upon a small, curly black hair. Was this the secret ingredient of street fair lemonade? If only the walls of the canvas white tents could talk. 

Summer is just around the corner, and along with the 90 degree Chicago heat and humidity comes many an outdoor festival. I will not be in attendance, so in case you're wondering where to find me, I'll be on my pet hair infested couches listening to the melodious words, "In the criminal justice system, sexually based based offenses are considered especially heinous..." Amen to that.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

#27 I Hate Guidos

I guess you could just re-read post #2, on dudes who tan, but I don't know, I think the Guidos deserve their own category. I hate them that much.  So, I looked up the term on Urban Dictionary, and here's what I got: Guid0(n)- A sad pathetic excuse for a male; not necessarily of Italian descent, but most likely; usually native to the New York/New Jersey Tri-State area. Well, whoever submitted this definition sure got the first part right. As for the latter, I am not sure that this person has ever been to the Chicago area. Guidos are most certainly not particular to the New York area, though I agree they make up an overwhelming part of the New York/Jersey, one of the many reasons I don't think I could reside there. 

Once the sun sets on Lincoln Park, it's game over for anyone trying to escape the unbuttoned shirt wearing, muscle popping, gelled hair sporting, jaeger bomb ordering wrath of the Guido. And no way is the Guido an Italian phenomenon, as I have seen many a Jeuido (Jewish Guid0), Mexido (Mexican Guido), and even a Chido (Yes, you've got it, Chinese Guido). I have no idea where they come from, as the North Shore where I grew up certainly does not seem to be a breeding ground. Do they transfer from Jackson Hole? It's possible. (I won't post a picture)

Another favorite of the Guido is the v-neck white tee, and if he's really feeling frisky, he might even add a shiny gold necklace. The v-neck is the perfect frame to show off this atrocious piece of man-jewelry. As a main component of being Guido seems to be the concept of machismo, it puzzles me as to why jewelry is so widely celebrated within the clan. Also ever so exciting to the Guido is techno music. A little untz untz if you will. Their spray tanned fists pump rapidly in the air as their favorite mixes blare through the loud speakers of Enclave and Crobar.

Dear Guido, you are the reason I avoid the gym (or am I just lazy), North Ave. Beach (or am I just allergic to the sun), and night clubs (or am I just self-conscious of my Elaine Benes dance moves). Either way, please move back to Jackson Hole, or wherever it is you came from.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Things I Like: Locations

So, to change things up a bit, and show you esteemed readers amy softer side, I would like to share some things that actually please me. Shocking, I know, but I don't hate everything! (Just most things) So today's category of things I like is locations. Here goes nothing...

1. Wisconsin: Surprised? Probably. But I love the tacky cheese heads, the countless ice cream and candy shops, the red neck country feel, skiing on the bunny hills of Alpine Valley, splashing in the pee infested waters at the Dells, the little big town of Madison, the music to my ears at Summerfest, the pristine lakes along with the polluted ones. Wisconsin, you feel like home. 

2. Disney World: Am I getting tacky enough for you? I don't care, I've loved it since the moment I stepped foot in the Magic Kingdom at 5 years old. Mickey, let me be your Minnie and we can move into Cinderella's castle and live happily ever after. I could ride in circles on the Dumbo ride for hours before experiencing the slightest bit of nausea, and that's saying a lot for my terribly weak stomach as many of you know. You are the happiest place on earth.

3. Las Vegas: Wow, maybe I am worse than I thought. With this list, I should probably move to Naperville or hang out at LTC Mall, maybe grab some Ruby Tuesdays. No, I will stand strong with my choices. Las Vegas to me equals amazing food, shopping, and entertainment, three of my favorite things! I'll be there next week indulging in all of my favorite activities. Maybe I'll stay forever and become a full time gambler, the next Annie Duke.

4. Israel: Now I've really thrown you for a loop! Not only have we moved across the world, but we've entered Jewville, which as you know is not a regular hangout of mine. But the beauty and magic of this place cannot be described in words. Nor can the taste of the falafel on the streets. Those of you who enjoy Pita Inn have no idea what you're missing. There are mountains, rivers, deserts and of course the deadest of seas! The Jew and the Anti Semite can both find pleasure in this historical mecca!

5. Switzerland: So I had to be sophisticated and choose a European hot spot. Maybe not as hot as Paris or Rome, but to me, it was the prime location in Western Europe. It was Europe minus the snobbery of France, the boring museums of Italy, the weather of England, the sexual ferocity of Amsterdam. I loved the little ski towns, the sparklingly clean atmosphere, and even the chocolate (as I am usually not a fan). This country is often forgotten on European tours, and I highly recommend it. (I'm sure with my other sophisticated choices such as Wisconsin and Vegas, you'll be sure to heed my advice!)

Wow, that wasn't so hard now was it?

#26 I Hate Twilight

So, I know I probably shouldn't knock it 'til I've tried it, but being the hater I am is all about judgment and what could be more judgmental than hating on something I have never experienced. It's true, I have never read "Twilight" or seen the movie, and I have no intentions of ever doing so. My hatred for this celebrated vampire series began on none other than facebook, as I perused the daily additions to the bumper sticker application, an old favorite of mine. Yes, I used to look through them, reading the endearingly adorable 'you're my other half,' 'you complete me,' and 'time's not wasted when we're getting wasted' stickers, often sending them to one of my own other halves, most often Ali, though my favorite to send her were those hating on gingers. (In case you did not realize it, I, myself am not a ginger, so I was entitled here)

Anyway, I digress. The point here is that out of nowhere I begin seeing these 'I heart Edward Cullen' and 'Edward Cullen completes me' stickers beginning to replace the hilarious ginger hating stickers I had once so often enjoyed. Shocked and confused as to who this Edward Cullen character was, I had to resort to Google, where I find he is the vampire in the Twilight series of books for teens. Okay, so he doesn't even really exist and he is taking up hundreds of bumper stickers. WTF?!?

The Twilight craze continued to go even further when the next book in the series, "New Moon" was released in bookstores at midnight where thousands of tween girls lined up days before to get their hands on this astounding piece of literature. With all this press, I still had no desire to go near it. One Harry Potter is enough, and while I'll admit, I read books 1-4, I had to eventually grow up and move on to more advanced literature such as the "Something Borrowed" series!! Anyway, what's so exciting about a vampire who goes to school with humans? I think Evanston High School probably had its fair share of pointy toothed vampire-esque characters, and I didn't see anyone making a fuss over them. In fact, I think I often heard a comment more along the lines of, "Damn dude you see that busted grill?"

Finally, the epidemic reached its peak when it was announced that there was to be a movie in the making starring none other than Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart! Wait, who? Exactly! Now, the Edward Cullen bumper stickers began to have a face to match the mystery man and it was the face of newcomer Robert Pattinson. When the movie came out, girls all over the globe swooned over this guy, and once again I'm left only with WTF?! Robert Pattinson, you're absolutely hideous, and I would possibly rather suffer through the long, drawn out passages of "Twilight," imagining a handsome, James Franco (be still my heart) of a vampire than look at your face for five minutes. And Kristen Stewart, I don't like you, in fact you may one day make the list of the many things I hate! 

New Moon comes out in November. I know this because my job requires me to know such meaningless information as this as well as the fact that Miranda Cosgrove from "iCarly" just celebrated her 16th birthday, and Miley Cyrus recently ate lunch with ex-boyfriend Nick Jonas! I know, can you believe it? Anyway, I won't be one of the thousands lined up for this one. Edward Cullen, I don't heart you. I hate you

Sunday, May 17, 2009

#25 I Hate Feminists

Come on ladies! We were born the weaker sex for a reason, so deal with it bitches. I am so sick of hearing about equality of the sexes. They are not equal. Men are, in the words of Kanye West, harder, bigger, faster, stronger... When I need someone to carry a heavy load, or change a tire, I love to play the role of the damsel in distress. Feminism is attempting to wipe away this age old concept and I cannot stand aside and allow this to happen. 

Okay, so maybe women are not paid as much as men, and there aren't as many of as holding CEO positions at Fortune 500 companies, but is that really what we want? The answer is no. We are nurturing, caring individuals who want to take care of the kids, cook, clean, and hell, I'll say it, run up a major credit card bill that our hardworking chairman of the board husband will later pay off. 

We get to wear floral dresses, ruffles and pearls, oh my! Whereas our sweaty, smelly fathers, husbands and boyfriends (or current lack thereof) hold the jobs of changing light bulbs, assembling the new entertainment system, checking the oil (wouldn't have the slightest idea where to even begin), etc. Why are you trannies in training trying to destroy these beloved roles that have been engrained in society for hundreds of years? I do not want to partake in anything that involves installing, assembling, building, or carrying! 

Softball, the favorite pastime of the feminist (lesbian), should be wiped off the face of the earth. I'm proud of the fact that I cannot throw a tennis ball farther than 10 ft. and I'd like to keep it that way. Props to Rosie the Riveter for what she did. She "rose" (ha) to the occasion when needed. Women are strong and clearly able to do some amazing things, I do not doubt that for a second, but let's leave the role of the man to him, as he does it best. If you biatches keep it up, next thing we know we'll be on the front lines in Iraq, breaking up fights between the Bloods and Crips, and wearing strap ons. Either way, you can find me at Bloomingdale's trying on lipstick with daddy's hard earned charge card