Thursday, October 22, 2009

#33 I Hate Cyclists

I never realized how much I hated cyclists until a recent experience driving my car down Racine headed home from a long day of work (sleeping until 10, brunch, mani/pedi, the usual). I'm on my phone catching up with a dear friend, minding my own business and an cyclist angrily motions for me to put down the phone. What are you cyclist, the goddamn po-lice? I don't THINK so. While being on your mobile behind the wheel may not be the most admirable act, it just so happens to be a common pastime. Anyway, I've never had issues with it. Texting, on the other hand can cause a plethora of problems. Ask famed television host and ex super model, Tyra Banks, dripping with personality, who allegedly nearly crashed into a mountain while doing the unspeakable.

But back to the cyclists, I began to realize they are everywhere. They pollute our streets like sewer rats sticking out their arms in every which direction as if we care which way they're turning. Left, right, I don't care just get the hell outta my way. There's also always major 'tude and dirty looks present in the world of the cyclist. You'd think it would be the opposite, as they are exercising, and I am often told this leads to endorphines, which in turn, lead to happiness (I wouldn't know, I prefer the couch). But no, a scowl never leaves the face of the cyclist.

Critical Mass may be my least favorite event. At least when there is a regular protest, you can walk the other direction or cross the street to avoid these crazed leftists. However, Critical Mass has come up with the brilliant idea of unavoidable protest by filling the busy streets of Chicago with hundreds, maybe thousands of bikers. Children in pulley carts, tandems filled with gay men, unicycling clowns holding stereo systems blasting hipster tunes. Cars wait to pass for up to an hour, waiting for these two-wheeling terrors to pass by. We got the message after the first 10 minutes.

The point is to let us motorists know that cyclists are people too and we should respect them. It's like they want us to feel sorry for them by making them appear to be a weak, discriminated specimen. It would be like if I started a protest declaring gingers deserve respect. While I am only a half-ginger, I feel that it is not necessarily something to be ashamed of, and I would never wish to draw attention to my ginger-ness by clogging up Addison with gingers. The more you recognize what a problem you are, the more of a problem you become.

If you need exercise, rollerblade or go for a jog. Stick to the sidewalks. If you're big on wheels, save up for a motorcycle, then you can really show off. Otherwise, I may kill you. I wonder how many years an "accidental" cyclist hit will get ya. "He came out of no where!" It happens.