#16 I Hate The University of Wisconsin-Madison

Obviously, there are plenty of cool people who go to Madison... actually, plenty is a stretch, but I know a few, including my dad.  I would love to like Madison, I mean it's a great city, the campus is located right on the lake, State Street is full of bars, stores, and restaurants.  Interestingly, it reminds me a lot of Evanston.  And I think we all know from personal experience that just because a town is pretty sweet, doesn't mean the school located there is.  I don't know of one cool person that goes to Northwestern University, and I live on the campus. I worked in a bar there and have gone to some really awesome Northwestern parties... I think that may be an oxymoron. It's okay Jane, you don't actually go there.

So yes, Madison is a great town, but is it really a great school?  Why does everyone who goes there think they are better than everyone else simply because they go there? I mean I got in to Wisconsin, and it was my last choice of schools simply because of the whole stigma that seems to go along with it.  It's not Harvard, I know straight up questionable retards who go there. Why does everyone at Madison think they can drink harder and party harder than people who don't?  I know kids at a small school in the middle of North Carolina who can drink some Badgers under the table.  And your halloween isn't all it's cracked up to be.  I know from personal experience.  Cops on horses spraying innocent victims in fairy costumes with pepper spray, it's just not worth the trip.  The only reason that I will admit that Madison students may drink more than other students is because so many of them seem to blow up like balloons their freshman year and remain that way until they graduate.

One of the great things about the Big Ten, is that so many of the students hail from the Midwest, which is a nice, friendly place that I am familiar with from having grown up here myself.  While I do appreciate an East Coaster, or a Southerner here and there, I don't know what I would do if I had to listen to the whine of the East Coast J.A.P 24/7.  Every time I go to Madison, I feel as though I am surrounded by them, mostly girls, and I just can't stand it.  They stick out with their curly black hair, Northface fleeces, Ugg boots (I guess I have most of these things), but it's just the whole package deal, and it's awful.  Why don't they just stay on the Jersey Shore where they belong?  Why do they need to come in and rot the Midwest? 

Obviously Madison has an occasional gem or two (Alex Roveda), but when it comes down to it, I guess I'd rather be surrounded by the emo, skinny jean wearing, mop top headed, unisex DePaul Blue Demons.

#!5 I Hate People Who Think Evanston is Dangerous

I mean, come on now, it's a city, cities have crime, you have to take the bad with the good, and when it comes down to it, it's a great place, and I can't think of anywhere else I'd rather live.  Yes, my ex boyfriend got dragged out of his car and searched for drugs with 4 guns pointed at his head, and sadly, some of the kids we have grown up with have been shot and even killed, but its the price we pay for living in an integrated city where people actually know how to get along with people of other races.  Okay, that is obviously not always the case, as I cannot even tell you how many times I was chased down the hall and called "Stupid White Girl" for accidentally bumping into someone.  But, in a way it's pretty funny, I mean, I wish I could get away with calling someone a stupid white girl and demand "respeck" whenever I wanted to.  I couldn't imagine high school with out the fights in the hall ways over issues such as whether or not DeShawn is truly Latriece's baby daddy (Maury show: quick fix for this kind of dilemma).  

What's so much better about New Trier or Loyola? Half those kids are high on Ecstasy and Coke throughout high school, and others are committing suicide from the depression of living in such a dull community. (Side note: when was the last time a kid at Evanston committed suicide?)  It sucks that our high school is located kitty corner from Church and Dodge, a.k.a. Gangsterville, U.S.A., but I guess I look back on getting icicles and snowballs thrown at me while waiting there for the bus freshman year with some sort of nostalgia.  And yes, Shantal slapped me across the face in 8th grade for saying hello to her boyfriend, but I punched a girl in a bar in the middle of Lincoln Park (true story), so who's scary now?

I also love how when I tell people that I live in Evanston they look at me with such terror, wondering how I can possibly sleep at night.  Dude, I live on the Home Alone 3 street, parallel to the Sixteen Candles Street, and went to Dennis the Menice's elementary school and Rookie of the Year's Middle School.  I sleep just fine on my quaint tree lined street which interestingly enough is full of families who choose to live in Evanston yet send their children to private Catholic schools where things are much "safer."  These are another category of people I hate (Sorry Jane, much love to you and your fam).  Anyway, I am and always will be a proud Evanstonian, who is fortunate enough to know about juking (while I can't actually do it myself), derbing (I guess I could theoretically do this), and straight kickin' it.

#14 I Hate Religious Extremists

Sorry, not trying to come off as the anti-christ here, but I think it gets pretty ridiculous.  I really do believe that religion is one of the main reasons for war in the world, and it should be completely done away with.  Actually, I guess it can stay, but the extremists have got to go. Obviously, Muslim extremists seem to be as bad as it can get, with their honor killings and suicide bombings, but I don't know much about that, nor do I want to, so let's not go there.

Christian extremists really freak me out.  I was terrified when meeting my freshman year college roommate, because her mom asked my mom and me  "Do Y'all Jews believe in Yah-Weh?" Seriously now, who is that? And, I'm going to go with no, because I don't really believe in anything, except maybe karma, because people usually seem to get theirs in the end. Anyway, I was officially frightened of living with this girl whose father was a pastor, and I was utterly convinced that she and her church youth group would murder me in the middle of the night if I did not accept Jesus Christ as my personal savior.  Long story short, she turned out to be pretty sweet, and the J Man never really came up, other than the fact that biblical quotes were posted all along her side of the room, as well as an interesting picture of some man from her Church who I am positive has molested at least 17 children.  And as for the people who begin sentences with "The Bible says..." that's like me saying Simon says, or something equally ridiculous.  The Bible pretty much seems to say, don't have a good time, so I'm straight off that.

And I'm not just some Jesus hating Jew here.  Orthodox Jews bad themselves, they just aren't as in your face on late night t.v. shows literally having seizures in the presence of the Lord, and setting up missionaries in Africa to "save" those in need.  On the other hand, they apparently think long sideburn curls and beards are all the rage, and word on the street is that they get down through a hole in the sheet (straight gangsta rhyme). You have also probably seen them walking around Skevanston on the weekends during the Sabbath, since of course getting in the car would be grounds for God knows what (literally).  Apparently turning on the t.v. or even a light switch on these days is unacceptable.  Sounds like a great time to me, let's sit around letting our hair grow longer and umm.. yeah that's all I got.

Hey, religious extremists, you extremely suck.

#13 I Hate Facebook

I know this may come as a huge shock, considering the fact that I am literally on that website 24/7.  I really believe it is the worst technological development to date. Worst than the nuclear bomb.  Sometimes, I really feel that I am wasting my days away on that site, and for what purpose? What good am I getting from it? It's so awesome to look at pictures of your ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend on vacation in Hawaii, or some freak show turned model from your kindergarten class.  I guess the latter has entertaining qualities, as does all of the high schoolers posting up pictures of themselves getting wasted after one beer, but I feel like I should be better than that.  Apparently I'm not, I just wish I was, and I guess at least it's the thought that counts.

We are all just spying on each other's lives.  I learn of so many new relationships, breakups, dramatic moments, etc. from this website.  That is just creepy.  What's also creepy is the fact that my friends and I have a fake facebook girl that many people seem to take so seriously.  We find a picture of some random blonde girl, fill her profile with typical girl ridiculousness such as interests of tanning, working out, and drinking, and she gets more messages than any real person I know.  What is it with interests such as tanning and working out?  Are these actual interests?  I sure don't find either of these things interesting.  I guess drinking can make things interesting, but I still  wouldn't call it a legit interest.

We also stuck on some ridiculous quotes that girls seem to love.  I really just can't get enough of "Everything is okay in the end.  If it's not okay, it's not the end."  Usually when there is some type of ending, things are not okay.  For example, a breakup would signify an end, a death would signify an end, and in neither of these situations are things okay.  So, I don't want to see that quote ever because it's awful and whoever made it up should probably end his or her life. That would be a great end.

And enough with the applications.  No, I don't want to know what character I would be on Sex and the City (okay, actually I was curious), but I am certainly not going to go around ranking people I barely know in their order of hotness or asking people to anonymously tell me what they really think of me (I don't even want to know).

As much as we all go on facebook, I truly think everyone would breathe a sigh of relief if it all of a sudden disappeared someday.  I know I could just click the deactivate button, but then I also know I will press the reactivate button 2 days later, because it's that easy.  

#12 I Hate Sororities

So, I would say I hate girls in sororities, but then that would include hating half of my friends, so although I may hate my friends sometimes, I'll leave them out of this.  Also, I don't know if I really hate sororities in general, or if I more so hate sororities at U of I, because those are the only ones that I have really had any experience with.  I think I'm going to go ahead and say I hate all sororities in general though.  Yes, I did rush (twice sadly), but when it came down to it, I just couldn't commit.  I remember all of the girls crying over sisterhood at 3rd invite, even some of my fellow rushees.  I however, felt no emotion whatsoever.  Why cry over something like sisterhood when you can cry about far more serious things (being called a joke by a friend for instance, or being accused of one to many HCUs).  Anyway, I have a sister, and I don't really need any others.  Some girls to go out with might be fun, but not these girls.

Every time you meet a new girl at U of I, she automatically asks you what house you are in.  Not are in you a house, but what house are you in.  Is it possibly that on a campus of over 25,000 where only about 20% is greek that I am not in a sorority?  Oh, you're a Theta are you?  As cool as that makes you, you are also a full on clone of the Wicked Witch of the West, and your girl over there is channelling Wario.  

Half of these girls that everyone else seems to be jealous of have literally never left Huckleberry, Illinois, where they kill frogs on the weekend for kicks.  They also can't get enough of name dropping the tools in their brother fraternities (see #2 I Hate Boys Who Tan). Let's all fight over Josh, who unbuttons his collared shirt down to the last button (Sorry Hank), works at Green St. Tan, and frequents IMPE where he pumps iron and searches for girls with the Tri Delt symbol on their ass to cheat on his girlfriend with.

I guess some of the things they do look like a fun time, but theoretically I could go to Joe's dressed as a "tennis ho" "gold digger" or any of their other awesome and unique costume ideas, if I really felt up to it.  I think I'd actually rather go as the crazy girl causing some sort of scene and then leaving in tears 20 minutes later... oh wait, I go as her every night.

#11 I Hate the Keg

I really don't think I've ever enjoyed it.  Not even when I was 19.  Maybe that's because when I was starting to think it was semi fun, some dude got shot.  Side note: the kid who did the shooting was my 7th grade science partner.  I clearly remember poking his inner cheek with a toothpick for DNA samples.  Anyway, what's so great about the keg?  I guess if you are a 16 year old chick or a 24 year old dude it's real happenin'... at least that's what I've been told.  

The front part of the bar seems to be where the shooters hang out.  It's also where some pretty entertaining fights go down, such as Garrett fighting with "Piff Paff" and knocking over a popcorn machine, or me being called a slut and getting serious bows dropped on me (true story).  Then there is the back area which usually seems to be taken over by people who are slightly socially awkward, such as the "Circle".  The darts/pool area is full of New Trier and Loyola kids. While it is an Evanston bar, I guess it's okay for neighboring towns to check out the seriously hot scene.  What really irks me is these jokes coming from Highland Park and Lake Forest as though they are VIPs rolling through Les Deux.  Are you really going to come this far to hang out at the Keg of Evanston?  

These girls are the types that literally spend Friday to the next Thursday planning what they are going to wear that night.  So many times I have been asked, "What are you wearing tonight?"  Do you really think I give a shit?  It's the keg, how about a dirty pair of sweat pants and a beater.  I guess it's not only these girls from the Northshore, but also Evanston girls, particularly a specific group two years younger than me.  This is the night they really get to shine.

The dance floor may be my favorite part, though I'm probably there least often.  I am the worst dancer in the entire world.  I'm not going to hate on other  people for being bad dancers, because they have one up on me for at least not caring what other people think.  It's still funny to watch one of your friends up on a pole demanding everyone look at her, another dancing with a football player who tells her he wants to "sop her up like a biscuit" and a third chick wearing literally a t-shirt and gogo boots juking with a member of the gangster disciples (okay, I guess this wasn't at the keg, but it might have well been).

Wait so do I hate the Keg then? Or am I extremely entertained by it?  I'm pretty sure I hate it, considering the only time I went there this past summer was when I was told this little bitch was talking smack about my sister.  I hate it because it reminds me of a brothel, where older guys go because they know without a doubt they will at least get a make out on the dance floor with a junior in high school,  I hate it because orange skinned whores "forget" to wear underwear under their 2 inch jean skirts, I hate it because I feel like I have to take at least 3 showers after coming back in order to feel remotely clean, I hate Erika the bartender giving me dirty looks every time I ask for a shot of soco and lime, and I hate how every Friday morning, the People's Champ calls me and tells me that he's too old for it there and promises never to go back, only to return 6 days later.

#10 I Hate People Who Can't Take a Joke

So, maybe this is funny to some people who believe that I, myself, cannot take a joke.  Truthfully, I think I can very well take a joke, but either way, this isn't about me, it's about other people.  I don't care if you think I'm contradicting myself by writing this, it is something I cannot stand and therefore, it goes on the list.

I remember in 7th grade during spirit week, my friend Brecon and I were sitting in the bleachers watching the staff play the 8th grade team in basketball.  We were all decked out in Haven's yellow and blue, cheering for our friends.  In front of us sat this girl, Casey, who didn't seem to be having any fun.  Brecon and I wanted to spread the Northstar cheer, so we decided to take some of our star stickers and place them on the back of her sweatshirt.  It took awhile for her to catch on, but when she did, she blew up in tears and really let us have it.  Come on Casey, we were just trying to turn you into the shining Northstar you were inside.  She has definitely hated me ever since, walking through the halls of Evanston in her one piece pom kit fit literally looking right through me (at least we taught her to have school spirit). I still see her on campus from time to time and I guess she thinks she's teaching me a lesson by averting her eyes and not returning my winning smiles.  Sorry Casey, but I don't want to talk to you either. You suck majorly.

Then there was that time in high school when Ian told some of my friends and me that he and Matt had hid some beer in his shed.  I still don't know why he told us that, but maybe it's because we were only sophomores and it was really cool to somehow get your hands on any type of alcohol.  Either way, I was with a bunch of girls one night and we decided it would be a good idea to go into his shed and steal the case.  When the boys realized the beer was gone, they got really pissed.  Of course one of the "friends" I was with decided to be a snitch.  Matt was literally 2 seconds away from punching me in the face.  I still don't understand the big deal here, I mean sorry for grabbing your $11.99 24 pack of Oldstyle boys, but you got it back.  We could have all had a big laugh and gotten wasted together, but no, instead he gets me back for this (and maybe a few more things), a year later by stealing $100 from the my dog groomer (which was not a funny joke...okay, maybe a little).

I really think the best was 2 summers ago, when I was sort of dating this guy who at the time I thought was real sweet.  Anyway, after I got my wisdom teeth pulled, I had a huge bruise on my arm from where the i.v. went in.  When he asked me what had happened I replied, "Don't you remember, you hit me there last night, and I'm going to show the police."  While he laughed at the time, he definitely didn't call me for about a week, and then of course I run into him the next Thursday night at the keg (also on the list of things I hate to come).  So I ask him why he hasn't called, and he tells me that he really did not think my joke was very funny.  Are you kidding me dude?  I am extremely confused as to how someone could take that much offense to me making a stupid joke, and he tells me that it's not the first time a "rich white girl" has threatened to tell the cops he hit her, and that he didn't need that kind of shit on his record. Not the first time a girl said you hit her? Shit on your record? Wow, I'm actually scared.  Guess he did me a favor with breaking it off, though I did cry for a week after.

#9 I Hate People Who Listen to Underground Rap

First of all, we all know how much I hate the question "What kind of music do you listen to?" Unfortunately, this question is often posed, usually by people who think they are better than everyone else because they have discovered some awesome new bands that no one else knows about.  They are so nonconformist! How new it is to not like the mainstream, and stick hundreds of witty pins into your hemp tote bag.  Oh, I hate Abercrombie and Fitch so I'm going to go to the nearest thrift shop, and buy a shit stained vintage dress (Sorry Doman, I know you frequent these stores and stay away from the stained items). 

I guess I'm off on a tangent here, the I hate nonconformist segment will come at another date. The focus here is underground rap and therefore the main demographic would be white boys, though I could probably think of a few whores who are also cool enough to listen to this style of music.  So, when these people are asked what kind of music they listen to, they usually reply, "I listen to underground, noncommercial stuff you probably wouldn't have heard of."  Oh really now do you.  Like who?  Atmosphere? Aesop Rock? They are so deep underground that no one has heard of him. Why does everyone who listens to Atmosphere have some kind of stick up their ass?  Most "underground" rappers are people that we have all heard of, making them "above ground".

And does this mean that you will no longer like these rappers when they are no longer underground?  Is it really that terrible for  a musician you like to get famous and make some real money?  I hope the smirk on my face is visible every time some dumb ass white boy tells me how much he hates commercial rap, and how it doesn't even compare to his secret rap c.d.s that no one else knows about.  And what's so bad about T-Pain and Rick Ross?  They're popular for a reason.  I think next time I am asked about my favorite music, or lectured about the wonders of underground rap, I will simply reply, "Yahh Trick!"

#8 I Hate (Most) Young Republicans

Sorry Jon, but you know I do.  To me, they are on the same level with Hitler's young Nazi society, whatever that was called. I guess I can understand a farmer from Kentucky, or a member of the Armed Forces joining the Republican party, but that's where I draw the line.  Especially when you're young, and supposed to have the whole "save the world" mentality.  How selfish do we need to be?  Let's leave the poor to fend for themselves, and take away healthcare.  Even India has free healthcare, though I guess they probably need it more than we do.  We should also probably not let gay people get married, because it really effects us in any way at all.  And as for abortion, let's take that right away too.  That way, when Evanston High School senior, Latiniqua Jones is forced to have a back alley coat hanger abortion and develops a terrible infection, she can just suffer it out because she can't afford health insurance.

Guns are also a necessity for us youngsters.  It's nice that it's so easy for psycho ass Steven Kazmierczak to walk into a store and buy five guns.  Why do we need guns?  So that we can be legit shooters?  I guess I know one certified "shooter," though he probably will never have a Bachelor's degree, and certainly does not own a gun (I hope).  My neighbor, the nicest guy ever, accidentally shot his younger brother when he was little.  As terrible as that is, what's worse is that he continues to have guns in his house today with 3 little kids.  A good friend of my Dad's was also shot and killed by her senile husband who mistook her for an intruder as he used his gun for "protection." It's called a German Shepherd, and from my experience, a Cocker Spaniel will also do just fine.

We should probably spend as much money as possible building a gate to keep out the Mexicans. It's so terrible to have them in our country taking the jobs that no one else wants.  They are Mexicans, so they probably won't be smart enough to figure out other ways to get into our country without crossing the border.  What a joke.  My childhood caretaker/housekeeper/extra grandma, Tila (yeah, laugh all you want), came here from Guatemala in the trunk of a car when she was a teenager.  She has really posed a big problem to the U.S. by taking care of 3 kids, sewing them barbie doll outfits and making an occasional quesadilla. She should definitely be deported to Guatemala where many of her friends have mysteriously disappeared in the night only to have their livers cut out and sold on the black market.

And as for abortion, how terrible of me to even utter the word.  Yeah, it's not the most pleasant thing in the world, but its a necessary evil.  Condoms break, dental dams (hahaha) don't work, and we unfortunately live in a world where rape happens.  Fortunately, the problem is fixable, and it's a right that every girl should have.  The most disturbing is when a woman is pro-life, like that biatch that came to lecture in my health class sophomore year of high school.  Really, I wish I could put her in a time machine, bring her back to high school and get her pregnant. Have fun walking through the halls of E-town with a basketball sized bulge under your sequined Bebe tank top...

#7 I Hate Britney Haters

Seriously, it's enough already.  Get over it.  So she drove around with Sean P. on her lap in the front seat of her car and gave Jaden some candy.  Obviously, she is a bad mother, and that's fine. There are plenty of bad mothers out there, some of whom I may even know personally (Not mine though, she's top of the line).  So, take her kids away and give them to K-Fed, because he's truly a stand up citizen.  Either way, can we just move on to the next topic?  Does it really matter if she steals some underwear from a department store or makes out with a rando dude in a hot tub? We all do those kinds of things.  

I mean, she has been in the spot light since she was 16 years old and has more money that she knows what to do with.  Honestly, what would you do if you had that kind of power?  You'd probably go a little crazy.  I mean I'm crazy enough with $20 in my pocket, I can only imagine if 6 more zeros were placed after that.  As crazy as she is, she comes out with some serious hits. Her new c.d. has already produced 3 hit singles, all of which I love.  And, yeah she screwed up at the VMA's but thats because she has so many haters.  How could you do well performing in front of a bunch of people who are expecting you to fail?  I can't even throw a dart straight in front of 2 friends who I know are laughing at my "form" behind my back (though one can't even hit the board half the time himself).

I am just so sick of hearing about her, when there is so much better entertainment out there. Don't instant message me about how Britney's sister is pregnant when we can talk about the fact that one of our friends may very well be a lesbian.  Which I truly find a million times juicier.  Britney, I don't care if you throw Sean and Jaden off the top of the Sears Tower while wearing nothing but nipple tassels.  When it comes to your hits, gimme more.

#6 I Hate Randy

Yes, unfortunately it's true.  The Randy I hate is one of my old managers at "The Moon".  Hey, dude, I'm sorry that I worked there for a summer job and some extra cash on the side, and that the best you're going to be in life is a 3rd tier manager at some crummy restaurant bar, but you don't have to take it out on me.  And yes I do say 3rd tier manager because he is not the first in charge, not even the second, but the 3rd which means he pretty much as absolutely no say.

Why do I hate this man so much you may ask?  Well he pretty much never gave me a chance.  I know that I may not be the world's greatest waitress.  In fact, I am probably one of the only waitresses in the history of waitresses to spill on a customer and then trip on the remnants of that spillage five minutes later.  But I apologized, and everyone else seemed to get a big laugh over it.  Andy on the other hand, let me know that maybe I was not cut out for the restaurant business.  At the same time, I was one of maybe two people in that restaurant who actually smiled, whether or not that smile was phony as hell.  I also had some sort of people skills and did not bark at my tables like "Poo" (kill me now) or engage in hitting a customer with their bill at the end of the night like my good friend, Dan.  So what's the beef Randy?

He used to come up to me and tell me how "fresh" I smelled (creep), or ask me what kind of music I listened to (my least favorite question ever).  So, I am not exactly sure when our downfall began.  I am assuming it was the time I went in to the bar, drunk on halloween, which I think is a pretty normal thing to do.  Unfortunately a ginger bitch made a negative reference to my costume, and that was all I needed to set me off.  Maybe it was wrong, but it was not during working hours, and I don't think it was really that big of a deal.  Then there was the time I was drunk and allegedly "pushed someone".  Of course, Randy was the only one who said this "push".  No one complained, and who cares, I push people all the time.  

I guess  the final straw was the time he watched me through the window as I did the worm on the sidewalk out front in front of 2 friends.  First of all, it was 3 a.m., and second, I was not even in the restaurant.  At this point, Andy demanded that I be fired on the grounds that I was making a bad impression in front of customers that may recognize me.  Come on Randy, the customers we get at the Moon are a bunch of drunk bums from the halfway house on Chicago Ave who stumble down the street looking for someone to argue with. Randy loves this because making a good point against someone who doesn't change their underwear daily is the only time in his life that he has every felt intelligent.  Bottom line, I did not get fired (that time). Though, according to Randy it was my 3rd strike.  As much as he wanted me gone, his superiors, who actually have some sense of humor, found my antics hilarious and would not hear of my dismissal.  

So, Randy, wherever you are (I know you're at the Moon running around shouting out orders because this is the only control you have in the world), why don't you stop getting angry at 22 year old girls who are throwing back a few shots of vodka to have a good time, while you yourself are snorting whip-its in the kitchen to get high during your managerial shifts.  Yeah, that's right, caught ya.  And as for your fianceé, Kathy, the best of luck in your (2nd... of many) marriage.

#5 I Hate Girls Who Pretend They Like Sports

Here, I must say pretend, instead of just simply saying I hate girls who like sports.  This is because there is just no such thing.  Girls do not like sports.  Okay, I take that back, I'm a girl and I enjoy a round of tennis.  I also played left defense for Team Evanston in my prime, though it was the B team.  Playing sports is fun, and a great way to stay in shape.  However, this is not exactly what I mean.  What I am referring to here are the idiots who follow their boyfriends to Bears games and actual attempt to offer some type of side commentary.  Yes, sporting events are fun.  I especially love going to baseball games because the atmosphere is awesome, the hotdogs are delicious, the beer is refreshing, and the guys are generally attractive (Cubs games, not Sox).  But I am not going to for one minute pretend like I know the different between an RBI and an ERA. Any girl who knows these things has simply looked up as much information as she can right before you picked her up for the game. 

Football is the worst.  Football jerseys do not look cute on girls.  So stop wearing them.  And while basketball may be somewhat understandable after many attempts to follow it, football will always remain a puzzle.  You are not any cooler to the guys if you can name the offensive line for the Bears.  In fact, which ever guy you are attempting to impress is probably wondering if you are a lez.  Have you ever realized that the more manly a girl looks, the more she is into sports?  It is always the big girl in front front row with the enormous beer/burger combo, screaming at the top of her lungs at someone to pass or tackle. Fact: the more feminine looking the girl, the less she cares about sports, and I'll keep my femininity, thank you very much.

When a home team team does well, I am glad because everyone goes out and is in a good mood. I do not however paint my face and scream at the top of my lungs high-fiving ever other dude with a Cubs hat on.  I don't even like tailgating, because that entails getting up early, though I understand why most girls would want to do it.  If you are going to have to suffer through a sporting event, you might as well get drunk.  I have never seen a sober girl enjoying herself at a game.  And while it is not uncommon for a plastered guy to be sitting next to his drunk girlfriend, he will still likely have a good time regardless of the alcohol, unless of course his team is down.  I have learned that that is grounds for male tears.  And, while that is something else I hate, we won't get into that right now.

#4 I Hate People With Only One Name

While some people may be too cool for facebook (I truly wish I was one of them), others are simply too cool for school.  But is anyone actually sweet enough for only one name?  I guess guys on sports teams are naturally awesome and so it makes sense that they are devoid of first names, but seriously what does it take to only have a first name?  There are some people that I guess may almost be cool enough to be only known by their first name.  For instance, a guy I know, Will, probably deserves to only be called Will.  And no, it's not Will Bence, so don't go there.  I truly believe, he is the definition of the word cool, and therefore, if I had to initiate someone new into the no-last- name-club, he would be my first pick.

However, no matter how hard I try, I just don't agree that it is fair for Madonna to not have a last name.  Maybe this is because I have a personal problem with her.  It all started when I was three years old, in an elevator with my Dad at the Four Seasons hotel in Toronto.  Obviously, I was an adorable child, no questions there, and Madonna's bodyguard decided to point that out. Rudely, Madonna turned away, refusing to look at me, and I have never forgot that moment. But it's really not only that.  She just does not strike me as someone cool enough to not have a last name. Yes, she has sold more than 200 million albums worldwide, and is the 2nd most successful top-selling female artist in the U.S. (care of wikipedia), but I'll bet the female artist that beats her record still has her last name.  Unless, it is Fergie, which would be tré disturbing to me.  I really would rather not even get started on that butter face.  Madonna just bothers me, I mean who does she think she is?  She's so mysterious, I don't even know much about her besides the fact that she has joined the Kabbalah faith, which should please me as a Jew, but it just does not.  And while I love "Like a Virgin" just as much as the next girl, I stand strong. Madonna needs a last name.

My final person with only one name is far less known than Madonna, though some may still consider her a celebrity.  Her name is LaLaine and she starred as Miranda on one of my all time favorite t.v. shows, Lizzie McGuire.  It really does not get much better than Lizzie McGuire now does it?  Anyway, Miranda was always pretty annoying as Lizzie's sidekick, and the show definitely did not need her to make it the gem it was, but what annoyed me the most about her was the fact that every time the credits rolled around the lone name LaLaine was posted across the screen.  Why is this 14 year old girl too cool for a last name you may ask?  I wish I had the answer to this. What I do know, is that she is also a girl I have kind of had a personal experience with, and it was not a pleasant one.  A heinous girl who lived on the street next to mine growing up thought herself to be some sort of an actress.  This is a joke as her claim to fame is the role of squirrel on Date My Mom, however, this girl decided to have a party and knew LaLaine from her days in Hollywood, failing to break it in the big leagues.  Anyway, my loser friends decide to crash this party, and as we are jumping through bushes I of course fall and bust my knee.  My friend Emily runs into the party to get some ice as I lay down crying in the dirt (way less dramatic than it sounds, I always cry).  Apparently, as she is running through the drunken 16 year olds, she bumps into LaLaine who has just finished boppin' in the D of some E-town gangster.  LaLaine whirls around and says, "Watch out, I'm LaLaine."  While she most likely just gave Emily a dirty look, this is how we have chosen to remember it, and I think its classic.  Side note: Where is LaLaine today? 

#3 I Hate People Who Go Abroad and Come Back "Changed"

Okay, so maybe I am a bit biased because although I always planned to study abroad, it did not end up happening.  So I never went through the "culture shock" in France, nor did I  "find myself" in Italy.  Going abroad sounds like an amazing time, and any one who did it is lucky to have the amazing experience and memories, but come on now, coming back hating America is just wrong. If going to another country makes you hate it that much, then by all means, please just don't come back.  We'll be better off without you.  What is so amazing about Spain that you have to complain for months about our American ways?  The answer would be... nothing.  Take a day or two, situate yourself and then get back into the swing of things.  It's amazing to hear, "I wish I was back in Australia," months after coming back to the states.  No one sits around whining about how they still wish they were in preschool all day.  Get over it.

What's even worse is when these people begin to compare the U.S. to the country they studied in abroad.  "I am so annoyed, a drink only cost $2 in Argentina" or "Europeans are so much more sophisticated; they drink red wine with every meal."  As awesome as that is, there is a reason that we all live in this country, so let's enjoy it, and not make everyone else miserable.

At least most people I know have passed through this phase and finally accepted America as their homeland once again.  On the other hand, there are those who now cannot get enough of the world and must conquer it all.  While going abroad was supposed to be a way to earn more college credits while having a fun time, there are also those who now wish to drop out of school and spend more of their parents money hiking through Asia.  These people are so worldly and mature, it is just beyond someone like me to understand.  

Some of them may not drop out of school, but instead finish as fast as they can to join the Peace Corps.  Obviously, I could never say I hate the Peace Corps, but I can say that I hate many people who join the Peace Corps.  How self righteous can we get people?  I'm sorry but these are the same people who stop showering and shaving (if they haven't already in high school- I think we all know some of those), and come back with permanent dirt under their fingernails, serious dreadlocks if they still have hair, and arms full of tribal bracelets that will never be removed.  Gross.  Take a shower.  And, yes I understand that there are starving kids in African who need clean water, and that every time I leave a light on I am damaging the ozone layer. And I really do care.  But I'll save the world in my own way, perhaps by writing a blog. America.  Fuck Yeah.

#2 I Hate Boys Who Tan

I hate boys who tan.  Boys who tan also seem to share other characteristics that I dislike such as gelled hair, man jewelry, and backwards hats.  Girls who tan are ridiculous enough but now guys? What is this world coming to?  And they usually know they are doing something wrong when heading to the nearest Palm Beach Tan.  On more than one occasion, I have watched a guy look both ways before quietly slipping through the doors and sheepishly requesting 10 minutes in a bed.  Has anyone every seen Sunset Tan on E!?  These guys are the biggest douche bags in all of humanity.  They are perfect representations of the frequent male tanner.  Male tanners are walking contradictions.  They tan, gel their hair, and adorn themselves in pooka shell beads because they care about their appearances like girls do, yet their actions prove far from feminine.  

They are in fact the most appalling and offensive of all specimen.  They strut around bars on college campuses as if they own the place, and any girl would be lucky to be seen walking back to their apartments and frat houses around 3 a.m.  I'm sorry but your $25 Abercrombie pooka shell necklace is not impressive.  It may have been cool to wear when vacationing as a 7th grader in Hawaii, but once again, for a girl, in Junior High School, in Hawaii  And as for gelled hair, literally what is the point?  If you are having that bad of a hair day put on a baseball cap, forward, and call it a day.  Why is it that all creepy people have gel in their hair?  Whether it is that butch lesbian who works at Starbucks and winks at you every morning, or that psycho that shot up NIU, it is a definite symbol of the Creep Party.  

And I guess backward hats are not the end of the world, but to me, they just say, "Look how cool I am," and you're not.  It's hideous.  Girls who are attracted to these guys are worse than the guys themselves.  But I guess they deserve each other.  Have fun with that.

#1 I Hate Girls

I hate girls.  I really and truly do.  Being one myself, this may seem odd however it's the god honest truth,  I am not some tranny who feels trapped in a woman's body while longing to be a man.  In fact, I enjoy being a girl most of the time and take pleasure in many things that are commonly associated with being a girl.  For example, there was a time in my life when I went to get a manicure once a week, choosing colors ranging from the lightest pink (marshmallow) to the classic goth favorite, midnight surprise, only to peel of the polish and chew off any new signs of nail growth within the first 3 days.  

I also thoroughly enjoy shopping. I find myself raking through the racks of clothes at Nordstrom at least every other Saturday afternoon if not more often.  Sometimes, I hide from one of the sales girls in my favorite section because I am embarrassed at how often I shop there.  I realize that this is idiotic because she is really very friendly and is only there to help me.  But I do not need help.  I despise being followed around asked if I need any assistance.  I also loathe people that do need assistance when shopping.  Seriously what the hell do they need help with?  I guess once in awhile you may need something in another size, but generally, that doesn't work out.  If it's not on the racks, you're not going to get it.  

And honestly, I do love to wear makeup.  Women are lucky in that if they wake up looking like shit, there is always a go to product.  Bags under the eyes get covered by heavy makeup, pimples are concealed, eyebrows are filled in, and lashes are lengthened.  The only thing an unfortunate looking guy can hope to do is hide under a baseball cap, but usally this does not quite do the trick.  

Almost as much as hating girls, I hate girls who complain about being girls.  They ask stupid questions like, "why do we have to give birth?" and "why do we have to get our periods?"  Well, we get the upper hand for carrying the baby because more often than not, the children are much closer to the mother than the father.  And as for the period, stuff it.  Literally and figuratively.  

But back to why I hate girls, they are so god damn annoying.  Instead of going for a weekly manicure and taking pleasure in chewing off the polish, I have noticed that they freak out when a small piece chips and demand it to be fixed immediately.  Or they skip the manicure altogether and get fake nails, and I cannot think of anything more hideous than this.  I will admit that I got some for a school dance junior year of high school, but that is exactly what it was, a dance junior year of high school.  And at that young age of 16, I realized that it was simply unacceptable.  Same goes for fake tans, spray on or bed.  

When girls go shopping they take hours upon hours trying on an outfit, taking it off, putting on a new one, then going. back to the old one and comparing.  Some may even take pictures with their camera phones, sending them to friends asking for their opinions.  On the other hand, I will try something on and ask myself if it looks good.  It usually does, so I buy it.  If it does not look good (a rarity indeed), I discard it.  

And as for makeup, it is misused more than any other household item.  Yes, as girls we should use the power of makeup to elongate our lashes, create a rosy glow on our cheeks, and gloss our lips.  But most girls take this power too far.  Halloween comes once a year and it's fun because everyone loves to dress up and in some cases scare people.  Most girls seem to believe Halloween occurs every day dressing like sluts, painting their eyes in thick black cat like shapes, or caking their makeup on like a clown.  Sometimes, when it is hot enough outside, the makeup will melt and a line is formed along the face separating the neck from the rest of the face.  This is my favorite.

Returning to the phenomenon of the tanning bed, it just needs to end.  It takes away from going on a vacation to somewhere warm.  Usually, the best part of a tropical vacation is knowing that when you get home, all of your friends will say, "You're so tan! I'm so jealous!"  Nowadays, what is the point of a vacation?  You might as well take off work, sit in your room doing nothing but read trashy beach novels for a few days and then head to the local tanning salon.  What's the difference?  Moreover, how tan do girls need to get these days?  I'm happy with a splattering of freckles here and there, and while my fair skin simply burns and peels, I am certainly not jealous of those walking around looking like Oompa Loompas.  Tan girls turn into wrinkly old leather skinned women, many of whom believe it or not have had some form or another of skin cancer.  I truly believe pale is the new tan, and while I hope to get more freckles at the beach this summer, I do think all tanning salons should be shut down.  This brings me to another thing I hate...