While some people may be too cool for facebook (I truly wish I was one of them), others are simply too cool for school. But is anyone actually sweet enough for only one name? I guess guys on sports teams are naturally awesome and so it makes sense that they are devoid of first names, but seriously what does it take to only have a first name? There are some people that I guess may almost be cool enough to be only known by their first name. For instance, a guy I know, Will, probably deserves to only be called Will. And no, it's not Will Bence, so don't go there. I truly believe, he is the definition of the word cool, and therefore, if I had to initiate someone new into the no-last- name-club, he would be my first pick.
However, no matter how hard I try, I just don't agree that it is fair for Madonna to not have a last name. Maybe this is because I have a personal problem with her. It all started when I was three years old, in an elevator with my Dad at the Four Seasons hotel in Toronto. Obviously, I was an adorable child, no questions there, and Madonna's bodyguard decided to point that out. Rudely, Madonna turned away, refusing to look at me, and I have never forgot that moment. But it's really not only that. She just does not strike me as someone cool enough to not have a last name. Yes, she has sold more than 200 million albums worldwide, and is the 2nd most successful top-selling female artist in the U.S. (care of wikipedia), but I'll bet the female artist that beats her record still has her last name. Unless, it is Fergie, which would be tré disturbing to me. I really would rather not even get started on that butter face. Madonna just bothers me, I mean who does she think she is? She's so mysterious, I don't even know much about her besides the fact that she has joined the Kabbalah faith, which should please me as a Jew, but it just does not. And while I love "Like a Virgin" just as much as the next girl, I stand strong. Madonna needs a last name.
My final person with only one name is far less known than Madonna, though some may still consider her a celebrity. Her name is LaLaine and she starred as Miranda on one of my all time favorite t.v. shows, Lizzie McGuire. It really does not get much better than Lizzie McGuire now does it? Anyway, Miranda was always pretty annoying as Lizzie's sidekick, and the show definitely did not need her to make it the gem it was, but what annoyed me the most about her was the fact that every time the credits rolled around the lone name LaLaine was posted across the screen. Why is this 14 year old girl too cool for a last name you may ask? I wish I had the answer to this. What I do know, is that she is also a girl I have kind of had a personal experience with, and it was not a pleasant one. A heinous girl who lived on the street next to mine growing up thought herself to be some sort of an actress. This is a joke as her claim to fame is the role of squirrel on Date My Mom, however, this girl decided to have a party and knew LaLaine from her days in Hollywood, failing to break it in the big leagues. Anyway, my loser friends decide to crash this party, and as we are jumping through bushes I of course fall and bust my knee. My friend Emily runs into the party to get some ice as I lay down crying in the dirt (way less dramatic than it sounds, I always cry). Apparently, as she is running through the drunken 16 year olds, she bumps into LaLaine who has just finished boppin' in the D of some E-town gangster. LaLaine whirls around and says, "Watch out, I'm LaLaine." While she most likely just gave Emily a dirty look, this is how we have chosen to remember it, and I think its classic. Side note: Where is LaLaine today?
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