Monday, June 15, 2009

Things I Like: Fictional Characters

I thought that after so much hating, it was time for another addition of things I like, this time, in the category of fictional characters. Interesting that they are fictional, meaning they are not real, therefore I am celebrating something that does not exist, which I guess goes along with being a true hater. I cannot even come up with things I like that are real! What is wrong with me? 

1. Angelica Pickles. Yes, the adorable 3 year old blonde pigtailed charmer, Angelica Pickles. The devilish bully, cousin of the beloved Tommy Pickles, childhood star of critically acclaimed Nickelodeon classic, Rugrats. How I love her so. Her sly antics should be studied among the best of the best. Bossing around a group of infants and almost always getting her way, Angelica knew how to live the good life from a young age. She was smart, sassy and stylish, what I strive to learn at age 23, she already had figured out at 3. 

2. Blair Waldorf. How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. Actually, I don't have the time or space for that, but you never fail to amaze me. From your endless headband collection that I strive to compete with, to your impeccable fashion, to your status as Queen B, I worship your every Monday night Gossip Girl episode. You may have a mean streak, but deep down your as soft as DQ swirl, and tears swelled in my eyes as Chuck finally pronounced his love for you at the season finale. Until the Fall, mi amore.

3. Harriet the Spy. Who could forget the lovable young Michelle Trachtenberg in her role of this clever young trickster. With her notebook in tow, Harriet never missed a beat. The best compliment I have ever gotten, was when a college acquaintance told me I reminded him of this mischievous minx. Harriet had great taste in food, with her daily tomato sandwiches, and knew how to live the life, all up in other peoples' biznass. That's what it's all about girl. 

4. Jim Halpert. Surprised? Maybe, as the previous three characters have been she-devil types, the complete opposites of Dunder Mifflin's Jim. However, Jim loves to have a good laugh just as much as the next guy, and usually at the expense of another (Dwight). So how much better is he really than Angelica, when he bullies a near retard on a daily basis? He covers up his inner prankster soul with a charming outer shell, and he sure knows how to get the ladies. Plus, he's pretty easy on the eyes, which can never hurt.

5. Elaine Benes. I don't think it gets any better than Elaine. With her killer dance moves and ability to catch Jerry's heart, she never ceases to amaze me. Who else could pull off the hair pouf in such seductive and sultry manner? No one I tell ya. No one. She truly knows how to hang out with the guys and can stand her own amongst the ranks, always getting the last laugh. So, as fate would have it, she ended up in jail, at least she had some fun along the way!

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

#31 I Hate Mean Lesbians

As much as I would love to just straight up say I hate lesbians, I realize that this would be incredibly un-PC of me, and as much as I don't really care about being PC, I guess there are some nice lesbians out there, I just have yet to meet them. Why are they such haters? (Yeah, yeah I see the self loathing irony here), but really, why are they so angry all the time?

Mean lesbians used to frequent the restaurant I once worked at (and was fired from) all the time, and it was they who demanded burn mark free chicken strips (nearly impossible), told me their diet cokes "did not taste normal" and would then leave me with a 2% tip, if that. Hey mean lez, why are you so angry with me? I thought you only hated men. Do I look like a man to you? HELLO! I am most likely wearing a ruffled cardigan and flower headband here. You on the other hand, mean lez, could very well pass for a man in most cases.

And I do understand the man hating, I really do. Most days I'm right there with ya, but when it comes down to it, there are some things you mean lezzies do (I won't get graphic here) that I just could never bring myself to do. And as beautiful as Bar Rafaeli (my number one girl crush) may be, I'd much prefer admiring her from afar, to other forms of lesbian action. Also, if you hate men so much, why do you insist on looking like one? The baggy sweat pants and the reeboks with the straps may work for Flo Rida, but the only straps you should be sporting are strap ons. Booyah.

Mean lesbians are the ones that go and adopt unsuspecting asian babies and raise them on organic diets, not allowing them to watch t.v. (they don't permit those devil machines in the home), and having only 30 minutes of computer time per week. Other than that, it's intelligent conversation and 500 piece puzzles. At this rate, young Genevieve of South Korea will be a mean lesbian herself one day! 

Friday, June 5, 2009

#30 I Hate Matthew McConaughey

I am so sick of seeing this guy all over People's "Hottest" lists. I don't find him appealing in the slightest, and what other place to share my opinions on this shirtless beast than right here? First of all, put your shirt back on, it's getting ridiculous. You're almost 40 years old, it's time to grow up. We're happy for you that you spend every waking moment off your compilation of terrible movie sets working out (without a shirt on). You've proved your point. Now cover up. I know, I know, I'm complaining about a man with a certified 8 pack here, but it's to the point where I'd rather stare at Jack Black doing crunches on the beach. Your abs are old news, Matt.

So is your acting career. What was the last semi decent movie you were in, because I certainly cannot remember. Wait, I take that back, I could probably watch "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days" twice a week, but that has absolutely nothing to do with your lackluster acting skills, and more to do with your adorable costar, Kate Hudson, whose crazy antics in attempt to get dumped, remind me of my relationship with my high school boyfriend. Only in my case, I wasn't just pretending to be insane. Sorry to you, you know who you are.

The Southern accent, which usually makes me swoon does nothing for me in the case of Matthew McConaughey. I don't know what it is, but it seems to have the opposite effect. It sounds like he has something in his mouth when he's speaking. And while you sure do spend a lot of time in the sun on your hourly workout rituals, there is no way your skin is that tan. Ladies and Gents, I think we've spotted a man-tanner here and we know how much I hate those.

For being in the acting circuit for so long, isn't it a little pathetic that you've never even come close to being nominated for an academy award? Oh, but congrats! I forgot you were nominated for the MTV Movie Award for best chemistry with none other than JLo in the celebrated "Wedding Planner"!! What an accomplishment! And when you are loosing your time in the celebrity spotlight, you find some poor no name model to impregnate so you can eke out another 15 minutes of fame. Wonder how long that one will last. I'm guessing it will be similar to your last box office hit, "Ghosts of Girlfriends Past;" a major flop.