Wednesday, May 20, 2009

#27 I Hate Guidos


I guess you could just re-read post #2, on dudes who tan, but I don't know, I think the Guidos deserve their own category. I hate them that much.  So, I looked up the term on Urban Dictionary, and here's what I got: Guid0(n)- A sad pathetic excuse for a male; not necessarily of Italian descent, but most likely; usually native to the New York/New Jersey Tri-State area. Well, whoever submitted this definition sure got the first part right. As for the latter, I am not sure that this person has ever been to the Chicago area. Guidos are most certainly not particular to the New York area, though I agree they make up an overwhelming part of the New York/Jersey, one of the many reasons I don't think I could reside there. 

Once the sun sets on Lincoln Park, it's game over for anyone trying to escape the unbuttoned shirt wearing, muscle popping, gelled hair sporting, jaeger bomb ordering wrath of the Guido. And no way is the Guido an Italian phenomenon, as I have seen many a Jeuido (Jewish Guid0), Mexido (Mexican Guido), and even a Chido (Yes, you've got it, Chinese Guido). I have no idea where they come from, as the North Shore where I grew up certainly does not seem to be a breeding ground. Do they transfer from Jackson Hole? It's possible. (I won't post a picture)

Another favorite of the Guido is the v-neck white tee, and if he's really feeling frisky, he might even add a shiny gold necklace. The v-neck is the perfect frame to show off this atrocious piece of man-jewelry. As a main component of being Guido seems to be the concept of machismo, it puzzles me as to why jewelry is so widely celebrated within the clan. Also ever so exciting to the Guido is techno music. A little untz untz if you will. Their spray tanned fists pump rapidly in the air as their favorite mixes blare through the loud speakers of Enclave and Crobar.

Dear Guido, you are the reason I avoid the gym (or am I just lazy), North Ave. Beach (or am I just allergic to the sun), and night clubs (or am I just self-conscious of my Elaine Benes dance moves). Either way, please move back to Jackson Hole, or wherever it is you came from.

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