#16 I Hate The University of Wisconsin-Madison

Obviously, there are plenty of cool people who go to Madison... actually, plenty is a stretch, but I know a few, including my dad.  I would love to like Madison, I mean it's a great city, the campus is located right on the lake, State Street is full of bars, stores, and restaurants.  Interestingly, it reminds me a lot of Evanston.  And I think we all know from personal experience that just because a town is pretty sweet, doesn't mean the school located there is.  I don't know of one cool person that goes to Northwestern University, and I live on the campus. I worked in a bar there and have gone to some really awesome Northwestern parties... I think that may be an oxymoron. It's okay Jane, you don't actually go there.

So yes, Madison is a great town, but is it really a great school?  Why does everyone who goes there think they are better than everyone else simply because they go there? I mean I got in to Wisconsin, and it was my last choice of schools simply because of the whole stigma that seems to go along with it.  It's not Harvard, I know straight up questionable retards who go there. Why does everyone at Madison think they can drink harder and party harder than people who don't?  I know kids at a small school in the middle of North Carolina who can drink some Badgers under the table.  And your halloween isn't all it's cracked up to be.  I know from personal experience.  Cops on horses spraying innocent victims in fairy costumes with pepper spray, it's just not worth the trip.  The only reason that I will admit that Madison students may drink more than other students is because so many of them seem to blow up like balloons their freshman year and remain that way until they graduate.

One of the great things about the Big Ten, is that so many of the students hail from the Midwest, which is a nice, friendly place that I am familiar with from having grown up here myself.  While I do appreciate an East Coaster, or a Southerner here and there, I don't know what I would do if I had to listen to the whine of the East Coast J.A.P 24/7.  Every time I go to Madison, I feel as though I am surrounded by them, mostly girls, and I just can't stand it.  They stick out with their curly black hair, Northface fleeces, Ugg boots (I guess I have most of these things), but it's just the whole package deal, and it's awful.  Why don't they just stay on the Jersey Shore where they belong?  Why do they need to come in and rot the Midwest? 

Obviously Madison has an occasional gem or two (Alex Roveda), but when it comes down to it, I guess I'd rather be surrounded by the emo, skinny jean wearing, mop top headed, unisex DePaul Blue Demons.

#!5 I Hate People Who Think Evanston is Dangerous

I mean, come on now, it's a city, cities have crime, you have to take the bad with the good, and when it comes down to it, it's a great place, and I can't think of anywhere else I'd rather live.  Yes, my ex boyfriend got dragged out of his car and searched for drugs with 4 guns pointed at his head, and sadly, some of the kids we have grown up with have been shot and even killed, but its the price we pay for living in an integrated city where people actually know how to get along with people of other races.  Okay, that is obviously not always the case, as I cannot even tell you how many times I was chased down the hall and called "Stupid White Girl" for accidentally bumping into someone.  But, in a way it's pretty funny, I mean, I wish I could get away with calling someone a stupid white girl and demand "respeck" whenever I wanted to.  I couldn't imagine high school with out the fights in the hall ways over issues such as whether or not DeShawn is truly Latriece's baby daddy (Maury show: quick fix for this kind of dilemma).  

What's so much better about New Trier or Loyola? Half those kids are high on Ecstasy and Coke throughout high school, and others are committing suicide from the depression of living in such a dull community. (Side note: when was the last time a kid at Evanston committed suicide?)  It sucks that our high school is located kitty corner from Church and Dodge, a.k.a. Gangsterville, U.S.A., but I guess I look back on getting icicles and snowballs thrown at me while waiting there for the bus freshman year with some sort of nostalgia.  And yes, Shantal slapped me across the face in 8th grade for saying hello to her boyfriend, but I punched a girl in a bar in the middle of Lincoln Park (true story), so who's scary now?

I also love how when I tell people that I live in Evanston they look at me with such terror, wondering how I can possibly sleep at night.  Dude, I live on the Home Alone 3 street, parallel to the Sixteen Candles Street, and went to Dennis the Menice's elementary school and Rookie of the Year's Middle School.  I sleep just fine on my quaint tree lined street which interestingly enough is full of families who choose to live in Evanston yet send their children to private Catholic schools where things are much "safer."  These are another category of people I hate (Sorry Jane, much love to you and your fam).  Anyway, I am and always will be a proud Evanstonian, who is fortunate enough to know about juking (while I can't actually do it myself), derbing (I guess I could theoretically do this), and straight kickin' it.

#14 I Hate Religious Extremists

Sorry, not trying to come off as the anti-christ here, but I think it gets pretty ridiculous.  I really do believe that religion is one of the main reasons for war in the world, and it should be completely done away with.  Actually, I guess it can stay, but the extremists have got to go. Obviously, Muslim extremists seem to be as bad as it can get, with their honor killings and suicide bombings, but I don't know much about that, nor do I want to, so let's not go there.

Christian extremists really freak me out.  I was terrified when meeting my freshman year college roommate, because her mom asked my mom and me  "Do Y'all Jews believe in Yah-Weh?" Seriously now, who is that? And, I'm going to go with no, because I don't really believe in anything, except maybe karma, because people usually seem to get theirs in the end. Anyway, I was officially frightened of living with this girl whose father was a pastor, and I was utterly convinced that she and her church youth group would murder me in the middle of the night if I did not accept Jesus Christ as my personal savior.  Long story short, she turned out to be pretty sweet, and the J Man never really came up, other than the fact that biblical quotes were posted all along her side of the room, as well as an interesting picture of some man from her Church who I am positive has molested at least 17 children.  And as for the people who begin sentences with "The Bible says..." that's like me saying Simon says, or something equally ridiculous.  The Bible pretty much seems to say, don't have a good time, so I'm straight off that.

And I'm not just some Jesus hating Jew here.  Orthodox Jews bad themselves, they just aren't as in your face on late night t.v. shows literally having seizures in the presence of the Lord, and setting up missionaries in Africa to "save" those in need.  On the other hand, they apparently think long sideburn curls and beards are all the rage, and word on the street is that they get down through a hole in the sheet (straight gangsta rhyme). You have also probably seen them walking around Skevanston on the weekends during the Sabbath, since of course getting in the car would be grounds for God knows what (literally).  Apparently turning on the t.v. or even a light switch on these days is unacceptable.  Sounds like a great time to me, let's sit around letting our hair grow longer and umm.. yeah that's all I got.

Hey, religious extremists, you extremely suck.

#13 I Hate Facebook

I know this may come as a huge shock, considering the fact that I am literally on that website 24/7.  I really believe it is the worst technological development to date. Worst than the nuclear bomb.  Sometimes, I really feel that I am wasting my days away on that site, and for what purpose? What good am I getting from it? It's so awesome to look at pictures of your ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend on vacation in Hawaii, or some freak show turned model from your kindergarten class.  I guess the latter has entertaining qualities, as does all of the high schoolers posting up pictures of themselves getting wasted after one beer, but I feel like I should be better than that.  Apparently I'm not, I just wish I was, and I guess at least it's the thought that counts.

We are all just spying on each other's lives.  I learn of so many new relationships, breakups, dramatic moments, etc. from this website.  That is just creepy.  What's also creepy is the fact that my friends and I have a fake facebook girl that many people seem to take so seriously.  We find a picture of some random blonde girl, fill her profile with typical girl ridiculousness such as interests of tanning, working out, and drinking, and she gets more messages than any real person I know.  What is it with interests such as tanning and working out?  Are these actual interests?  I sure don't find either of these things interesting.  I guess drinking can make things interesting, but I still  wouldn't call it a legit interest.

We also stuck on some ridiculous quotes that girls seem to love.  I really just can't get enough of "Everything is okay in the end.  If it's not okay, it's not the end."  Usually when there is some type of ending, things are not okay.  For example, a breakup would signify an end, a death would signify an end, and in neither of these situations are things okay.  So, I don't want to see that quote ever because it's awful and whoever made it up should probably end his or her life. That would be a great end.

And enough with the applications.  No, I don't want to know what character I would be on Sex and the City (okay, actually I was curious), but I am certainly not going to go around ranking people I barely know in their order of hotness or asking people to anonymously tell me what they really think of me (I don't even want to know).

As much as we all go on facebook, I truly think everyone would breathe a sigh of relief if it all of a sudden disappeared someday.  I know I could just click the deactivate button, but then I also know I will press the reactivate button 2 days later, because it's that easy.  

#12 I Hate Sororities

So, I would say I hate girls in sororities, but then that would include hating half of my friends, so although I may hate my friends sometimes, I'll leave them out of this.  Also, I don't know if I really hate sororities in general, or if I more so hate sororities at U of I, because those are the only ones that I have really had any experience with.  I think I'm going to go ahead and say I hate all sororities in general though.  Yes, I did rush (twice sadly), but when it came down to it, I just couldn't commit.  I remember all of the girls crying over sisterhood at 3rd invite, even some of my fellow rushees.  I however, felt no emotion whatsoever.  Why cry over something like sisterhood when you can cry about far more serious things (being called a joke by a friend for instance, or being accused of one to many HCUs).  Anyway, I have a sister, and I don't really need any others.  Some girls to go out with might be fun, but not these girls.

Every time you meet a new girl at U of I, she automatically asks you what house you are in.  Not are in you a house, but what house are you in.  Is it possibly that on a campus of over 25,000 where only about 20% is greek that I am not in a sorority?  Oh, you're a Theta are you?  As cool as that makes you, you are also a full on clone of the Wicked Witch of the West, and your girl over there is channelling Wario.  

Half of these girls that everyone else seems to be jealous of have literally never left Huckleberry, Illinois, where they kill frogs on the weekend for kicks.  They also can't get enough of name dropping the tools in their brother fraternities (see #2 I Hate Boys Who Tan). Let's all fight over Josh, who unbuttons his collared shirt down to the last button (Sorry Hank), works at Green St. Tan, and frequents IMPE where he pumps iron and searches for girls with the Tri Delt symbol on their ass to cheat on his girlfriend with.

I guess some of the things they do look like a fun time, but theoretically I could go to Joe's dressed as a "tennis ho" "gold digger" or any of their other awesome and unique costume ideas, if I really felt up to it.  I think I'd actually rather go as the crazy girl causing some sort of scene and then leaving in tears 20 minutes later... oh wait, I go as her every night.

#11 I Hate the Keg

I really don't think I've ever enjoyed it.  Not even when I was 19.  Maybe that's because when I was starting to think it was semi fun, some dude got shot.  Side note: the kid who did the shooting was my 7th grade science partner.  I clearly remember poking his inner cheek with a toothpick for DNA samples.  Anyway, what's so great about the keg?  I guess if you are a 16 year old chick or a 24 year old dude it's real happenin'... at least that's what I've been told.  

The front part of the bar seems to be where the shooters hang out.  It's also where some pretty entertaining fights go down, such as Garrett fighting with "Piff Paff" and knocking over a popcorn machine, or me being called a slut and getting serious bows dropped on me (true story).  Then there is the back area which usually seems to be taken over by people who are slightly socially awkward, such as the "Circle".  The darts/pool area is full of New Trier and Loyola kids. While it is an Evanston bar, I guess it's okay for neighboring towns to check out the seriously hot scene.  What really irks me is these jokes coming from Highland Park and Lake Forest as though they are VIPs rolling through Les Deux.  Are you really going to come this far to hang out at the Keg of Evanston?  

These girls are the types that literally spend Friday to the next Thursday planning what they are going to wear that night.  So many times I have been asked, "What are you wearing tonight?"  Do you really think I give a shit?  It's the keg, how about a dirty pair of sweat pants and a beater.  I guess it's not only these girls from the Northshore, but also Evanston girls, particularly a specific group two years younger than me.  This is the night they really get to shine.

The dance floor may be my favorite part, though I'm probably there least often.  I am the worst dancer in the entire world.  I'm not going to hate on other  people for being bad dancers, because they have one up on me for at least not caring what other people think.  It's still funny to watch one of your friends up on a pole demanding everyone look at her, another dancing with a football player who tells her he wants to "sop her up like a biscuit" and a third chick wearing literally a t-shirt and gogo boots juking with a member of the gangster disciples (okay, I guess this wasn't at the keg, but it might have well been).

Wait so do I hate the Keg then? Or am I extremely entertained by it?  I'm pretty sure I hate it, considering the only time I went there this past summer was when I was told this little bitch was talking smack about my sister.  I hate it because it reminds me of a brothel, where older guys go because they know without a doubt they will at least get a make out on the dance floor with a junior in high school,  I hate it because orange skinned whores "forget" to wear underwear under their 2 inch jean skirts, I hate it because I feel like I have to take at least 3 showers after coming back in order to feel remotely clean, I hate Erika the bartender giving me dirty looks every time I ask for a shot of soco and lime, and I hate how every Friday morning, the People's Champ calls me and tells me that he's too old for it there and promises never to go back, only to return 6 days later.

#10 I Hate People Who Can't Take a Joke

So, maybe this is funny to some people who believe that I, myself, cannot take a joke.  Truthfully, I think I can very well take a joke, but either way, this isn't about me, it's about other people.  I don't care if you think I'm contradicting myself by writing this, it is something I cannot stand and therefore, it goes on the list.

I remember in 7th grade during spirit week, my friend Brecon and I were sitting in the bleachers watching the staff play the 8th grade team in basketball.  We were all decked out in Haven's yellow and blue, cheering for our friends.  In front of us sat this girl, Casey, who didn't seem to be having any fun.  Brecon and I wanted to spread the Northstar cheer, so we decided to take some of our star stickers and place them on the back of her sweatshirt.  It took awhile for her to catch on, but when she did, she blew up in tears and really let us have it.  Come on Casey, we were just trying to turn you into the shining Northstar you were inside.  She has definitely hated me ever since, walking through the halls of Evanston in her one piece pom kit fit literally looking right through me (at least we taught her to have school spirit). I still see her on campus from time to time and I guess she thinks she's teaching me a lesson by averting her eyes and not returning my winning smiles.  Sorry Casey, but I don't want to talk to you either. You suck majorly.

Then there was that time in high school when Ian told some of my friends and me that he and Matt had hid some beer in his shed.  I still don't know why he told us that, but maybe it's because we were only sophomores and it was really cool to somehow get your hands on any type of alcohol.  Either way, I was with a bunch of girls one night and we decided it would be a good idea to go into his shed and steal the case.  When the boys realized the beer was gone, they got really pissed.  Of course one of the "friends" I was with decided to be a snitch.  Matt was literally 2 seconds away from punching me in the face.  I still don't understand the big deal here, I mean sorry for grabbing your $11.99 24 pack of Oldstyle boys, but you got it back.  We could have all had a big laugh and gotten wasted together, but no, instead he gets me back for this (and maybe a few more things), a year later by stealing $100 from the my dog groomer (which was not a funny joke...okay, maybe a little).

I really think the best was 2 summers ago, when I was sort of dating this guy who at the time I thought was real sweet.  Anyway, after I got my wisdom teeth pulled, I had a huge bruise on my arm from where the i.v. went in.  When he asked me what had happened I replied, "Don't you remember, you hit me there last night, and I'm going to show the police."  While he laughed at the time, he definitely didn't call me for about a week, and then of course I run into him the next Thursday night at the keg (also on the list of things I hate to come).  So I ask him why he hasn't called, and he tells me that he really did not think my joke was very funny.  Are you kidding me dude?  I am extremely confused as to how someone could take that much offense to me making a stupid joke, and he tells me that it's not the first time a "rich white girl" has threatened to tell the cops he hit her, and that he didn't need that kind of shit on his record. Not the first time a girl said you hit her? Shit on your record? Wow, I'm actually scared.  Guess he did me a favor with breaking it off, though I did cry for a week after.